Monday, October 10, 2011

If you only knew what I did, who I am when I'm not with you. You'd understand why I hate myself. I can't tell you, anyone. It's my burden to carry. I just know how you look at me, and how it'd change. I can't have that. I burden you enough already.

So I've been mia. Been using tumblr. I don't know anymore.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Listening to Adele's Someone Like You. Very beautiful, and relatable lyrics. So this morning I had a crazy weird incident, likely because of my new meds. I woke up at 7 with cramps. I scanned the Internet until 8:30, when I realized I need to get up and take Tylenol. I got up and was dizzy and lightheaded, but no worse than normal. My cramps were high school bad. I went downstairs and started making Britney food. I had to pause resting my torso on the counter. The pain and nausea made it difficult to go on. I was almost done her food, I just had to mix it up. My hands, my whole body was shaking. I gave Britney her food, and with her delight I went to the couch and turned on the tv. I retched, but nothing came up. The worst was laying facing the couch back, alone and in pain. I just wanted my mom. My skin felt icy cold, and I felt like I was loosing conciousness. It felt like I just wanted to loose myself the sleep, the relief. I realized that that wasn't good, so I made myself stay awake and listen to the tv. Staying still horizontally seemed to ease the pain, plus the Tylenol was kicking in.

I spent the next couple hours with britney on the couch watching slice channel. I watched gay, then lesbian, episodes of Wedding SOS. The lesbian wedding was really beautiful, and to see their love. It really helped me envision myself in that situation.

Oh jeez, now You and I is on. I really love this song, and find it really touching. Anyways, I went to Shoppers pharmacy, and he said to monitor it. I don't have to work tomorrow morning, so I don't have to worry about missing work.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Bonus Day Off

So. My day started well! I went to work, and worked for a full 7.5 hours. I felt proud of myself, I'm not able to do many of those lately. I came home and chilled, ate, played spyro. Went to true blood. Cal left the tv room when I entered, which worried me. True blood itself was good. I went to talk to her afterward, but she was distant and it was awkward. I sad goodnight and I left. She was playing the guitar and singing, and it was heartbreakingly beautiful. There's so much incredible inside of her that I wasn't inspiring.

Later Greg came over and we watched tv and caught up and made nachos. I really appreciated having someone here to converse with. I think my issues with Cal are that I'm so lonely right now. No one really asks about my day, or remembers happenings in my life.

My boss gave me tomorrow off, so I'm gonna catch up with someone else who is moving away this month. I have 4 friends leaving, 4 friends who I wish I'd cared more about earlier. I'm starting to realize that. I'm happy I have tomorrow off, but that doesn't bode well for my review in the fall ...

My heart is curious, it wants to grow
To search for another soul to love
For that connection, that bond.
Of trust, passion, and love.

The heart shrinks, steps back in time.
A time when things were different, happy.
My wistful gaze turns to tears and sorrow,
What I love, no longer mine.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sweet Tree Smells

11:24 pm, my front porch, smoking [5]

I love it out here. I love to see the trees, and the stars in the night sky. To hear the familiar noises of the highway and the wind through the leaves. Tonight, to hear the rain drip through the trees.

I sit and observe the world, allowing myself to be a part of it silently. To focus on the outside life, and not just over concerned with myself. It's my time. Other tasks pause, I'm done outside when I feel like it.

It's been an interesting week. I still haven't told my parents about the breakup. I think I might leave them a voicemail. I didn't go to work today, but I did let Ian kno waveform I was supposed to start work. I went to the doctor, and appreciate his concern.

The dog is inside howling right now. She was outside, but wanted back in. I don't understand, but it stresses me out a lot. I go to pet her and she jumps back. There is no pleasing her.

I must go inside now ...

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sad Driving

I just cried all the way home from Cals. I cried while I was there, too. I hurt so much, world. I'd currently blowing my nose on my mascara covered cuff. Just seeing everyone belong together so well, and for me to be sitting in silence, not knowing what they are talking about. To see Cal fit in, to see her and her sister. I've yet to cry to anyone about this. Not Curt, not Gabriella. My parents don't even know that Cal and I broke up. I was waiting till I got less emotional, but I don't know if thats going to happen soon.

I got to have her arm around me, to smell her, but its a farce. I still can't have her. She still doesn't want me. Its tough to see her so happy around everyone else. I think its makes me the most sad is that she'll probably be happier without me. That she'll want to see Glee movie with other people, just ...

I have to go to work tomorrow, too. Jess and I need to finish the device, it has to ship tomorrow. Fuck. I gotta get ready for bed.

I've been thinking about crashing, how easy it is. On the highway, going 100. What the impact would feel like. Driving through Mount Doug with the twisty road, going a little too fast and loosing control. [I am not going to do this.] The small line that seperates life and death.

I don't even know if anyone reads these, but I do find them theraputic.

Monday Morning

I think I set a new record! 25 minutes at work until tears were rolling down my face. WTF do I say. Period.

I don't know what it is about work. I guess its the lack of distractions, it makes me think about things.

Just the fact she doesn't want me. That other people are more important, other activities. How we can never seem to have a conversation. The "I don't knows", or refllecting questions back to myself. Then I wanted to talk to Christa but she wasn't online. She had just changed her display pic to her and Riley slow dancing and kissing, and I cursed some more.

Everyone is rushing around at work today, its making me stressed. There is this project that we need to finish today and ship tomorrow, and I still have to make modifications when the parts come in later today.

And crying again. Eugh. I need kleenex at my desk.

I had a pretty good weekend though. Fun pictures with Gabriella on Friday night. It was really nice to catch up with her. Saturday was a kinky party, met new poeple and tried new things. It was nice to have the freedom then. Sunday met with Scott for a walk but I had smoked so I was kind of out of it and regret it.

Tonight is True Blood, we'll see how that goes. Maybe I'll make it the whole day through work, and maybe I won't.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Break Up

So. We're no longer a we. What I've thought about came true, but is so much worse than I expected. I just miss the essense, the energy of Cal. Her personality, her spirit. The heating pad is still sitting on her side of the bed. I tried so hard. I just can't deal. She's such a big part of my life. I just wish it would've worked out. Other girls may be hot, but they aren't Cal. How can I love another girl. I have no idea how to date a girl? How to approach one.

I managed to get through work, although I only worked 11:30-5:30. This morning was the worst. I woke up in bed, cold and alone, and it hit me. All those delicious kisses and cuddles are gone. I just want to run my fingers over her jawbone, give her a kiss on the forehead. I went pretty crazy. I've only had it happen a couple times, just that absolute worst feeling that you know its over, but all you want is them. I got an e-mail from "cal" via OKcupid this last night [an OKcupid sent one], and saw that she had already changed her profile to single and looking. That hurt quite a bit. The thought of her seeing someone else makes me feel physically sick. I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend to keep my time. My life sucked before, now theres lots of free time to emphasize the loneliness. And I'm housesitting when breaking up. Like in 2006, and in 2010. Its a fucking curse. "Oh wow, a whole house to myself to have lots of loud raucus sex. Oh wait, NOT! A big empty house to make you feel extra lonely." Hey, at least theres swimming with Gab and Curt tonight? My big plan is just to make lots of plans. I'm not exactly happy around other people, but at least its a good distraction.

I really do think its for the best, I just don't know how to adjust without her.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Apparently I haven't updated since May. My bad ... time has been flying! Working almost full time now. I still come in at 10 or 11 some mornings, and leave a little early once in a while. I really liked working 1-5 though. It didn't interfere with my life outside work. Now my life revolves around work. As most peoples' do, but I liked it the other way around.

I upped my medication in July, and am still adjusting. I feel like things have been pretty rocky. I'd like to think its the medication. For a couple days in July I missed work and spend it with Cal and her sisters. I cried throughout the day, though.

I did get up to see my cousin Jessica twice though. I went up once for Jellopalooza, and I got my hair cut. I love my haircut!!! I love that about Jessica, she seems to know exactly what I want before even I know. I enjoyed Jellopalooza, although I kept on having issues and had to be by myself for a bit. I kept missing my wrestling time, and only ended up fighting once. I was pretty embarrassed that I went missing.

I got to go camping for the [august] long weekend at Gooseneck Lake, where we were in 2010. It was super gorgeous there. It rained for an entire day, but I had fun exploring with my car. I got to dance naked in the rain, and smoke to my hearts content. I also became known for being missing. I got to spend some quality time with my extended family, which was nice. A couple of my relatives (in their 50's) asked where my partner was, and that she was definitely welcome to any family events. It was really nice to hear that, especially with my Mom's slow support (its her side of the family).

My parents visited while camping, and I was talking about the Van Pride Parade. My mom shushed me, saying my grandparents didn't know about my partner. It was just very frustrating overall. She said something like, "Well there's no 'straight' parade". I had to explain to her that every other day straight people can parade around and be confident they won't run into difficulties.

I think I've started to realize with working so much I need more personal time. Lately, especially while house-sitting, I've wanted to just sit down with a video game and smoke and be chill.

Anyways, I'm gonna post later. I'd like to find an ipod app from which I can post, it'd make my life so much easier!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Emotions: 1


So, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I suppose every day is that, but today I changed something. I started an SSRI, and I'm hoping it'll make life a little better. I'm going to try to blog every single day, even if its for less than 20 minutes. I think its important to track how I'm feeling on it, too see how I develop/ change for the better/ worse.

Today was up and down. Last night when I was going to bed, Cal was super tired, but I wasn't. I got really really anxious, and had a weird panic attack. I slept from 4 to 11, waking up once at 8 but falling back to sleep. I woke up feeling alright. I had a banana and took my pill.

The amount I'm taking, 10 mg, is very little. Wait, I'm going to talk about my day, then ponder life.

My friend (Kadri) was moving today, but it started at 10:00. I called and said I'd be there late. I already felt bad about being late. Also, I was a little disappointed that Cal wasn't going, but she never committed herself to going to it was her prerogative to not go.

I got to Kadri's, and his apartment was empty. Most everything had been moved. Some people were in the stairwell trying to disassemble his bedspring. I said hi to everyone. Most people, though, were standing around and I didn't feel like I could do anything. Because I was so late, I felt really out of place and awkward. He was buying pizza and beer for helping, but since I didn't help I felt I didn't deserve that either.

I decided I should leave, but I didn't want to tell anyone. I really hate saying goodbye to people. I feel like they'd judge me for not helping more, or for showing up late, or for anything. They'd ask why I was leaving, and I wasn't up to explain, so I just kinda left. I felt horrible after that, too. I didn't even say goodbye to Kadri. I did text him, but it wasn't very satisfactory.

I drove around for a while, trying to think of something to eat, cause I hadn't had much to eat all day. I needed a few things from Tillicum, so I stopped in there and walked around. I found it very soothing to do, to do my own thing and not have anything expected of me. Cal called me, worried, but I said we could meet up later.

I needed to pick up a few things from my house, and my family was home. The 3rd period of the Canucks game had started, so I sat down with my Dad and watched it. I also enjoyed that, sitting back and relaxing and bonding with my Dad. I'll be sad when the series is over. It was a really good game. One thing about hockey though, is its another thing my Dad and I have in common, but its another thing that makes my Mom feel left out.

When the game was over, I headed to the highland games to see Cal and friends. I was happy to meet them, and the weather wasn't ideal, but not terrible. Cal and her sister were really interested in the booths as they have Celtic heritage, where I am not interested. I felt bad cause I just browsed the booths, but they actually talked to the people. At fairs and such, I hate talking to the people. I hate the feeling of being obliged into conversation.

Later tonight I met up with high school friends, which I did enjoy. I felt like it went on too long, but I did like it. My friend recently came out as gay, so its nice to see him. I was able to talk about Cal and my family, and how to make my life easier. I really appreciated that I could be completely open about my relationship without feeling any sort of shame. Even around Cal's sister, and household, history makes it difficult to talk about our relationship.

I've never really though about how that effects us. In bed last night I heard someone cough downstairs, and realized how not soundproof her bedroom is. I don't know what this house thinks of me. I think people know my history, and I don't know if they judge me for it. Sometimes Cal, although she doesn't mean to, makes me ashamed that I've been with guys. I will always feel uncomfortable about it.

But, medication. I look back at my history, and can see indications. I mean, they could have been normal teenage/ hormonal things. I have always assumed they were. I am really curious as to how this is going to affect me. Its tough cause its a slow process, but I'll track it here. I probably won't be as thorough as I was today (about my day), but am going to try to document my moods and side effects.

I really hope that I'll start to enjoy everything more. I find right now I just don't have an interest in a lot of stuff. I know I've dropped a lot of my friends off the map for various reasons. I don't have any sort of concentration any more. That could be from the lack of schedule I've had. I can't concentrate on a movie by myself, and barely with Cal can I do it.

Anyways, here is my post for Day 1.

We headed back here, and I had a lovely nap with Cal. I was surprised that I did nap, I was feeling anxious after the festival. I trying to relax, and concentrated on her breathing, and the feeling of her against me.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Post 5?


I hate feeling like this. I hate being at home, I feel trapped. I feel uncomfortable hanging out with my parents, so I stick to the confines of my room. I can't really go out, as nothing is open at night/ people don't want to just hang out. I'm finding it very difficult that I can't go to Cals, although I know its a good idea not too. I just feel safe there, and like being around the other people. I feel so alone here, bored out of my mind.

I can't concentrate on movies. I don't want to commit focus to a movie. Watching them alone makes me feel lonely. I feel like this post is already a complete failure. I feel super overweight right now. I know I haven't been taking the best care of myself, eating and exercise-wise. Listening to Amber by 311, its a nice chill song.

Got my hair cut today, and I do not like it. Its too short, and not really what I asked for. Its my fault though, I didn't speak up. I always try to judge the stylists vision. Its not a bad cut thankfully, just not what I wanted at all. I look like Coraline. Cute, for a 12-year-old. Its almost an Anna Wintour thing too, but again, not what I wanted. I really wanted an inverted bob, super piece-y and sexy. I don't know how I'm going to work it, but I'd better figure it out.

I just can't concentrate on anything right now. I really just want to be at Cals. I know I'm using her as a place to feel safe, not just cause I want to see her. I know we need our time apart. I, just want to be anywhere but here. I did my nails, caught up on the TV I've missed.

If I go on medication I'm worried about feeling like this. I could see myself doing something rash and dumb, not being able to think clearly. No one needs me right now, why should I exist. I feel so, empty? No. I know that I can go to sleep in a couple hours, so thats nice. I really don't like this getting up late thing. It totally fucks with me. If I felt like this during the day i could go shopping or for a walk, but as its night stores are closed and I don't feel comfortable going for a walk.

I don't know how working is going to change how I feel. I really hope I start enjoying other peoples company. Right now I don't feel comfortable hanging out with most people. I would like to get a hold of Jos, but she hasen't answered my latest text.

I wish I could find someone to have good discussion with.

I wish I didn't feel like everything in my life was wrong.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Feeling Funny

I know I fail it making these blog posts. I really would like to do them more often, I find them very helpful. Right now I feel trapped. I don't want to be at home, I feel uncomfortable and claustrophobic. When I woke up at 8 I took more nyquil in hopes of sleeping more, but no luck. I then smoked a little at 10, and felt pretty good. Around 12 I crashed, eating very little. I got up and showered, and crashed again at 2. [crashing meaning having absolutely no energy, and just laying in bed]. I now feel horrible. I managed to put some turkey between two slices of bread, but haven't aten much else today. I feel very odd right now. I feel like doing something out of the blue, like getting a piercing or something. My dad is home so I can't smoke, but I feel like taking a shot, or going and spending money on unimportant things.

What I'd really like to do is go over to Cals, but I don't think she's up yet. I've been up for nearly 8 hours. I mom will be home in about an hour, and I want to be gone before then. I want to go to Cals and eat a special cookie, and enjoy time with her. She has Victoriana tonight though, so I don't think she'd be down. I cancelled on G for dinner, I didn't think I'd enjoy her company, and didn't want something to push me even further down. I just don't have any energy to get up. I know I should tidy my room, or do my make-up, or pack my bag, but I just don't care. I don't want to change. I don't want to cover my acne, I have no energy. I just want somewhere that I can be my nutty self without judgement. I know I gotta get out of here before my Mom comes home.

I think I'll go to Cals, even though she's not expecting me for another 4 hours.

I got distracted. I made an appointment to get my hair cut, I know I really need it. Saw a make-up post, am going to try that next.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Free-Write Day 4


SoI Obviously didn't keep up with this, but its something I think is useful and am going to try more. Just sitting here next to my lady, starting this.

And I was interrupted for an amazing kiss, but here I go again. Sitting at my desk. I was just editing pictures in Picasa and enjoying it. I've gotten a lot more kinky pictures lately, so yay! Not loving a lot of them, but they are body ones so of course. The reason I keep posting face pics is cause I like my face. It isn't fat, and photographs well.

I took some of my little cousin, and they turned out amazingly! Love love love them. He was also wearing a mini Canucks jersey, which made the pics perfect. I really enjoyed taking his picture. I really like the some of the angels I took the pics at. Some of them are a little washed out in the face, but meh. I'd love to do a family photograph with the 3 of them. Possibly a 1-year birthday gift?

I did Cals back today, and it looked super neat! I used makeup and made a watercolor looking heart on her back.I liked the artistry of it, its something I've never done. Its also a good way to find new colours within my collection. Her back is crazy soft. I may have soft legs, but her back beats my legs :P I wish I could be spooning up to her right now.

So, in the morning Cal is very cuddly and sleepy, where I want to get up and get a start on my day. She likes to have cuddles, and I feel terrible for not loving them as much as I should. I get anxious when I stay in bed.

I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have plans I get anxious. I need to know what I'm doing. I think thats why the last couple days have been difficult, along with PMSing -.-

I wrote a list of concerns in my life last night that I'd like to deal with. Cal was really helpful in that she actually wrote the list, I just told her my concerns. I need to expand upon some of them. I really like the way she worded them, I know I'm not very good at that. I feel like if I were to go to a counselor I need her along, cause she can better describe how I'm feeling, and can come to better conclusions than I.

Also, I think that some of our friends are having a party tonight, without us. I understand why, they have a lot of friends and need to change it up, but I'm still a little miffed. I purposely made sure I didn't make plans tonight, and am now left with nothing to do. I'm uneasy.

Recently I have not been getting enough sleep. We've been staying up until 4 or 5, but I can't manage to sleep past 10. Then Cal gets lots of sleep, and doesn't need to go to bed again till 4 or 5. I on the other hand, ... I dunno. Its something I'd like to adjust. I try to set a time, like I'd like to be asleep by 2, but Cal doesn't like ... "deadlines". I find it helpful, cause then I see its midnight, and I know I'd like to have sex tonight, but to be asleep by 2 we should probably head to bed now. Sometimes we head to bed at 2, but then have sex. I LOVE SEX, but I need sleep too. Its a tough balance.

I've been pondering the idea of going back to a counselor/ psychiatrist. Things aren't repairing themselves although I'm not at school. I know though, that there are things I could possibly fix to make me feel better:

-More sleep
-Consistent sleeping schedule
-Eating consistently through the day
-Eating better
-Exercising more

I feel like until I do all but the job part, I shouldn't go to a counselor because they'll just tell me to do that and come back. Its my responsibility to take care of myself, and I am not doing it very well. I feel like my life is falling apart. Everything is falling between my fingers, and I have no control over it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Free-Write, #3


I just had a mini panic attack. I didn't sleep very well last night. I turned my light out at 1:30, but fell asleep after 5. I woke up at 10, so I only got 5 hours of sleep. I was alright this morning, but my mom made me grumpy. I got to visit with my cousin this afternoon, and he is super cute. I can finally understand why people love children. Hes got 2 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth, and gives me the cutest grin. I spend a 1/2 hour alone with him while his mom was out, although I feel like it was cheating cause he was sleeping. We sat on the sundeck as it was surprisingly warm out today. He just watched life. He is sooooo cute. I know, I never thought I'd be one of those people, but he really is. I LOVE when I make him laugh. I'm getting a lot more comfortable with his mother as well.

But I headed over to Cals. Even now, I've only had a banana and a grilled cheese in the 8.5 hours I've been awake. I know that could also be the cause of my grumpyness. I know its no one elses responsability to feed me, but combined with lack of sleep its a lethal combination. We went grocery shopping, so that was meh. Before shopping she got really frusterated at little things, which stresses me out. I know to not make a big deal of it, and to just sit through it. We came home, and I carried 3 massive bags of groceries in, along with my purse. I then asked Cal if she needed help unloading the groceries, and she said no, so I sat on the sofa. With lack of food and sleep, I just lay here sleepily. The leaders debate was on, so she sat in another chair and watched it. Out plan was to watch it, but thats not my deal. The couch is massive, I don't know why she didn't lay here with my, or sat here or something. Then she wanted to go to the other room where peeps were, even though she lives with them. I know they were talking aboiut some home-town gossip, but I feel like I shower her with attention, and would like some in return.

I know I have a problem wiht being very obcessive. Its what drove my last major relationship apart. I can see it happening again, and it worries me greatly. She says that it isn't a big deal, but I don't know if she doesn't realise it, or that it isn't a big deal. I just want someone who is excited when I come over, and thanks me for a ride, and just makes a big deal of me. But then, I do understand that life isn't all about yourself, and that you have to make some comprimises.

I've come to a road block. I'm tired, and I feel like I've ruined our date night. Its only 6:30. She asked if I wanted to nap, but I felt like I couldn't. Also, napping makes me sleep less well. And, if I napped I know we'd be up past 2:00. I'm really trying to aim for that. I don't know what we're doing tonight. She doesn't seem like she's in a romantic mood, so I dunno. I guess we'll make food now. I poured myself and energy drink, but have yet to drink it. I need to be not laying down :P

Cal is laying beside me right no, but I don't know what she wants to do. I have a feeling she's like to visit her sister, or watch TV, or do anything but interact with me. Comedy stuff between us is difficult because we mostly have a very different sence of humour. She likes South Park and other cartoons, and I don't.

Last night we had an interesting talk. It wasn't all bad, but more just interesting. I'm glad I'm writing, because it makes me more awake. I actually am loving this writing thing, it allows me to express myself and reflect without having to bother anyone. I don't know if I should edit this before I post it. [I did, but mostly just for spelling]. I often forget all Ive written. I really do just write exactly what I'm thinking. Its nice cause after a while my words just flow. I stop worrying about what i'm writing, and I can just be my true self. I also feel like I've had caffiene, I get this fast driven pace going.

4 more minutes.

I want to listen to Wicked. I'm LOVING THAT SONG POPULAR. Chenowith (sp?) is adorable! I'm getting excited to see it in June. I know its a long ways away, but it gives me something to look forward too. I put my hair in 2 little buns this mornign after I showered, and I get cute semi-curly hair. I really want to cut my hair, but I'm afraid I'll regret it. I know thats not a good way to live ones life though, and hair does grow back. I know I just dislike long hair in the summer. I like the swing of short hair, and the way it looks cute if you do absolutely nothing with it. I like the way my fingers sound when they tap across the keys. I can't imagine doing essays. I wonder how many words I write. I was very happy when Cal complimented my typing speed. I know the grammar isn't the best, but I'm going to go back after the 20 minutes. I find if I correct myself while I'm typing, I loose my speed and my thought process.

And hey, its 20 minutes. Hopefully our night will round up well. There are always bumps in the road.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Free-Write Day 2

I had quite a wonderful day. I just got home from visiting with a great friend G, and another good friend C. I almost consider C an older brother. I was thinking about it on the way home, and I feel like I could tell him anything, and get great advice, or just a hug and some comfort. Even though we haven't been close for a super long time, I feel like we're becoming long-time friends.

We watched Scrubs, and I'd never seen the show but liked it! Delish pasta was made, with an okay salad and garlic bread! Yum yum yum. Had an interesting conversation with G. Lots of drama, but I found it verrrrry interesting. I'm definitely learning from her mistakes.

I'm finding it hard to push myself through this today. I just want to sit and do my nails and watch weeds. I get to see my lovely lady tomorrow, so I want to make sure they are in top condition. Not sure of the colour that they shall be yet. I might just remove my current polish and cut them tonight. Paint them in the morning, along with showering and such.

I had a fantastic ride today! I rode to school and back, 40 minutes each way. Along with my ride yesterday, my pubic bone (?) is quite sore, but hopefully Cal will be sympathetic. I really do love to ride my bike. I feel so powerful, its amazing what the body can do. I flew by a bunch of cars stuck in traffic, which felt great. There were a few evil hills, but I beat them! I rode the entire way, but only walked up half my driveway, instead of the whole way. Wait till you see it before you judge :P

I had an appointment at school about career/ job searching. It was kinda helpful, but I know I have to put a lot of work into it. He recommended doing an "informational meeting" where you call the company up and ask to meet with someone to learn more about the company and the industry. He gave me a couple companies to contact, so that might be my next step. I feel like I do have an advantage being in electronics. I'm young, and not jaded with bad work habits. I have 2 great references behind me. I am a very good people person, something that the average electronics person lacks. I'm a relatively good technologist too. I just don't want to settle for something, not like it, and quit. I really liked the job I had last year, but I don't want to go to them before I know I want to be there long term.

I kinda wish I could get a random job for May-June, then have July-August off to party and exercise and visit and have fun. A couple people from school got jobs at lush, and I'm jealous! In a silly way. I always dreamed of working there, but I think I'd get bored, and I don't like to push myself on people and they tend to do that. I'd like to try being the manager. I've never done anything like that though. I think I might try and work in some experience for that into volunteer work. I feel like thats a good way to try something out casually, and it looks great on a resume.
Apparently the local library was looking for people to teach basic computer skills. I thought about doing that, but I'm not the most patient person in the world. Again, it would look great on a resume, and I can see it feeling great to help people learn important skills.

I hope I sleep well tonight. Lately I've been sleeping like crap when I'm at home, but I think I go to bed, but then stay awake talking to people for an hour, and get very warm, and then I'm unable to sleep. Also, I find having awesome and interesting discussions makes it tough to sleep. So, just weeds and nails for me.

Tomorrow I get to see my baby cousin, which is super exciting. I've never been a baby person, but I can see the draw of having one after spending time with him. He is really freakin' cute. And then DATE NIGHT! And, we're going to watch the federal debate, how studious of us :P I'm pretty excited to have her attention all to myself for one evening, it will be magical!

Now to wrap up. I should probably post tomorrow, but I'm not sure what I'll talk about. I will contemplate that. I suppose this [the blog] is for Cal originally, but I think it would be a useful tool for me to look back on, and track my feelings. So far I haven't had any really bad upset moments. I think that might be difficult to blog about, and to look back upon in shame the next day. But, like goes on, and so will my blogging.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

So I have a plan for my day tomorrow, but its not too full. The morning is flexible, since I might sleep in. I always feel best when I have a plan for my day. I might wake up, and change it, but I feel good right now.

Also, I've been listening to ambient music playlist on youtube on and off today, its quite nice.


Just try it. It fun and makes happy background music.

Free-Write, Day 1


Last night I was dropping Cal off, and got upset because I wanted to stay with her/ didn't want to be home all day. She helped me by asking me to do a few chores. One of them was to do at least 20 minutes of free writing a day, starting today. Although its 9PM, I am doing it, and am happy. I remember doing these in high school, and I didn't mind them then. I'm pretty much just writing what comes to mind, so please excuse me if its all over the place. I'm not much of a writer. I;d like to change that though, and I suppose here is a good place to start. Writing is an important skill for most workers. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, and "on to paper". 

Anyways, I had a pretty good day. I woke up at 11, and got 9 hours' sleep, which was nice. I had strawberry oatmeal with my dad. Cal asked me to have breakfast with my dad, because she knows I like to do that. I then piddled around, and finally did some research on my Strong Interest Inventory (SII). I looked up managerial positions, which I thought I might like. I am very organised, and am good at lists and such. Downfalls, I'm sometimes not good at communicating what exactly I'm feeling, especially in writing. I then was organizing my music collection. I like doing that, but it seems a little pointless. It needs to be done sometime though. I thought that what I was doing in my spare time would be like database work or something. Must look that up. 

Oh jeez, its only 9:16 ... How do people do this?

I keep on correcting my mistakes, but I know I should try to keep continually writing. I'm surprised at how much I can write in such a short time/. I'm not exactly thinking of what I'm saying though. Kind of how like I talk. Words just fall out of my mouth, not really being processed by my brain. It gets me in trouble sometimes. 

So, last night. I don't know why I started crying. Maybe I am afraid of being alone. Once I'm home, its not so bad. Maybe I have separation anxiety? I just know that whenever I'm with Cal, going home seems bleak and sad. I do know I have co-dependent tendencies. Thinking of living ones' life alone is sad to me. I feel like everything has more meaning when you share it with someone you love. I saw MCR last weekend, and was thinking how much more special this would be if Cal was with me. But, when leaving Cal, I can't think of anything to do at home. It feels all empty and sad. In reality, I had plenty to do today. Nothing important, but still stuff. 

It'll be interesting when my parents are gone. They've done it before for weeks at a time, so I'm used to it. I've changed since UVic, I do get upset more easily now. I'm not too worried, I just hope people will be willing to come over. I plan on making lots of plans. I'd also like to get high, I feel like if I just have a stint where I can get high whenever I'd like, I'd get over how awesome it is. Kinda. Like, hmm. Awesome isn't the right word, grr, must keep on writing. I'd like to have a FL party, but I'm not sure that'll happen. Perhaps this Saturday, I don't have plans. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a career counselor, and hopefully I'll find it helpful. I'm not exactly going to him with a specific question, but I feel like I've at least done a bit of research. I have the rest of the evening, and tomorrow morning. My appt is at 3, but I'd like to be at school by 1 or 2 to catch up with the pride office. I like to go in at least once a week and show my face, keep up with the happenings. I thought I might bike, but am not sure. I don't know if I'll be staying with Cal tomorrow night or what. There is a quiet doms meeting, and I think Curt and I were going to hang out possibly? 

My mom bought me Eggies, and they are sitting at my desk tempting me to eat them. I've already downed like half the package today. My parents are watching a movie, Date Night, right now and I think I might join them. I find though that when I watch movies with them I can't concentrate. I get up and go to the computer, or bring my iPod down, and they bug me about it. So I just don't join them. I suppose since they aren't here for much longer, I should hang with them. 

Right, no much Tuesday. WEIRD! 

 I always plan my day, even if I don't follow it. Like, I already have a plan for tomorrow. I know I have to be at UVic by 3, and I generally sleep till 9. I know I need to shower at some point, but I don't know if I could do that at Cals? I like to know, but she tends to make plans on the fly. I don't like to not know whats happening. 

Hmm. So my first write. I think it went well? I should probably ponder more important things, but I can work on that. I don't know how [or if] I'm going to publish this, but I'd like that, I feel like it'd be less of a waste.