Free-Write Day 4

6:27

SoI Obviously didn't keep up with this, but its something I think is useful and am going to try more. Just sitting here next to my lady, starting this.

And I was interrupted for an amazing kiss, but here I go again. Sitting at my desk. I was just editing pictures in Picasa and enjoying it. I've gotten a lot more kinky pictures lately, so yay! Not loving a lot of them, but they are body ones so of course. The reason I keep posting face pics is cause I like my face. It isn't fat, and photographs well.

I took some of my little cousin, and they turned out amazingly! Love love love them. He was also wearing a mini Canucks jersey, which made the pics perfect. I really enjoyed taking his picture. I really like the some of the angels I took the pics at. Some of them are a little washed out in the face, but meh. I'd love to do a family photograph with the 3 of them. Possibly a 1-year birthday gift?

I did Cals back today, and it looked super neat! I used makeup and made a watercolor looking heart on her back.I liked the artistry of it, its something I've never done. Its also a good way to find new colours within my collection. Her back is crazy soft. I may have soft legs, but her back beats my legs :P I wish I could be spooning up to her right now.

So, in the morning Cal is very cuddly and sleepy, where I want to get up and get a start on my day. She likes to have cuddles, and I feel terrible for not loving them as much as I should. I get anxious when I stay in bed.

I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have plans I get anxious. I need to know what I'm doing. I think thats why the last couple days have been difficult, along with PMSing -.-

I wrote a list of concerns in my life last night that I'd like to deal with. Cal was really helpful in that she actually wrote the list, I just told her my concerns. I need to expand upon some of them. I really like the way she worded them, I know I'm not very good at that. I feel like if I were to go to a counselor I need her along, cause she can better describe how I'm feeling, and can come to better conclusions than I.

Also, I think that some of our friends are having a party tonight, without us. I understand why, they have a lot of friends and need to change it up, but I'm still a little miffed. I purposely made sure I didn't make plans tonight, and am now left with nothing to do. I'm uneasy.

Recently I have not been getting enough sleep. We've been staying up until 4 or 5, but I can't manage to sleep past 10. Then Cal gets lots of sleep, and doesn't need to go to bed again till 4 or 5. I on the other hand, ... I dunno. Its something I'd like to adjust. I try to set a time, like I'd like to be asleep by 2, but Cal doesn't like ... "deadlines". I find it helpful, cause then I see its midnight, and I know I'd like to have sex tonight, but to be asleep by 2 we should probably head to bed now. Sometimes we head to bed at 2, but then have sex. I LOVE SEX, but I need sleep too. Its a tough balance.

I've been pondering the idea of going back to a counselor/ psychiatrist. Things aren't repairing themselves although I'm not at school. I know though, that there are things I could possibly fix to make me feel better:

-More sleep
-Consistent sleeping schedule
-Eating consistently through the day
-Eating better
-Exercising more
-GETTING A JOB

I feel like until I do all but the job part, I shouldn't go to a counselor because they'll just tell me to do that and come back. Its my responsibility to take care of myself, and I am not doing it very well. I feel like my life is falling apart. Everything is falling between my fingers, and I have no control over it.