I just cried all the way home from Cals. I cried while I was there, too. I hurt so much, world. I'd currently blowing my nose on my mascara covered cuff. Just seeing everyone belong together so well, and for me to be sitting in silence, not knowing what they are talking about. To see Cal fit in, to see her and her sister. I've yet to cry to anyone about this. Not Curt, not Gabriella. My parents don't even know that Cal and I broke up. I was waiting till I got less emotional, but I don't know if thats going to happen soon.
I got to have her arm around me, to smell her, but its a farce. I still can't have her. She still doesn't want me. Its tough to see her so happy around everyone else. I think its makes me the most sad is that she'll probably be happier without me. That she'll want to see Glee movie with other people, just ...
I have to go to work tomorrow, too. Jess and I need to finish the device, it has to ship tomorrow. Fuck. I gotta get ready for bed.
I've been thinking about crashing, how easy it is. On the highway, going 100. What the impact would feel like. Driving through Mount Doug with the twisty road, going a little too fast and loosing control. [I am not going to do this.] The small line that seperates life and death.
I don't even know if anyone reads these, but I do find them theraputic.