Thursday, May 19, 2011

Post 5?


I hate feeling like this. I hate being at home, I feel trapped. I feel uncomfortable hanging out with my parents, so I stick to the confines of my room. I can't really go out, as nothing is open at night/ people don't want to just hang out. I'm finding it very difficult that I can't go to Cals, although I know its a good idea not too. I just feel safe there, and like being around the other people. I feel so alone here, bored out of my mind.

I can't concentrate on movies. I don't want to commit focus to a movie. Watching them alone makes me feel lonely. I feel like this post is already a complete failure. I feel super overweight right now. I know I haven't been taking the best care of myself, eating and exercise-wise. Listening to Amber by 311, its a nice chill song.

Got my hair cut today, and I do not like it. Its too short, and not really what I asked for. Its my fault though, I didn't speak up. I always try to judge the stylists vision. Its not a bad cut thankfully, just not what I wanted at all. I look like Coraline. Cute, for a 12-year-old. Its almost an Anna Wintour thing too, but again, not what I wanted. I really wanted an inverted bob, super piece-y and sexy. I don't know how I'm going to work it, but I'd better figure it out.

I just can't concentrate on anything right now. I really just want to be at Cals. I know I'm using her as a place to feel safe, not just cause I want to see her. I know we need our time apart. I, just want to be anywhere but here. I did my nails, caught up on the TV I've missed.

If I go on medication I'm worried about feeling like this. I could see myself doing something rash and dumb, not being able to think clearly. No one needs me right now, why should I exist. I feel so, empty? No. I know that I can go to sleep in a couple hours, so thats nice. I really don't like this getting up late thing. It totally fucks with me. If I felt like this during the day i could go shopping or for a walk, but as its night stores are closed and I don't feel comfortable going for a walk.

I don't know how working is going to change how I feel. I really hope I start enjoying other peoples company. Right now I don't feel comfortable hanging out with most people. I would like to get a hold of Jos, but she hasen't answered my latest text.

I wish I could find someone to have good discussion with.

I wish I didn't feel like everything in my life was wrong.

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