So. We're no longer a we. What I've thought about came true, but is so much worse than I expected. I just miss the essense, the energy of Cal. Her personality, her spirit. The heating pad is still sitting on her side of the bed. I tried so hard. I just can't deal. She's such a big part of my life. I just wish it would've worked out. Other girls may be hot, but they aren't Cal. How can I love another girl. I have no idea how to date a girl? How to approach one.
I managed to get through work, although I only worked 11:30-5:30. This morning was the worst. I woke up in bed, cold and alone, and it hit me. All those delicious kisses and cuddles are gone. I just want to run my fingers over her jawbone, give her a kiss on the forehead. I went pretty crazy. I've only had it happen a couple times, just that absolute worst feeling that you know its over, but all you want is them. I got an e-mail from "cal" via OKcupid this last night [an OKcupid sent one], and saw that she had already changed her profile to single and looking. That hurt quite a bit. The thought of her seeing someone else makes me feel physically sick. I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend to keep my time. My life sucked before, now theres lots of free time to emphasize the loneliness. And I'm housesitting when breaking up. Like in 2006, and in 2010. Its a fucking curse. "Oh wow, a whole house to myself to have lots of loud raucus sex. Oh wait, NOT! A big empty house to make you feel extra lonely." Hey, at least theres swimming with Gab and Curt tonight? My big plan is just to make lots of plans. I'm not exactly happy around other people, but at least its a good distraction.
I really do think its for the best, I just don't know how to adjust without her.