Sunday, May 22, 2011

Emotions: 1


So, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I suppose every day is that, but today I changed something. I started an SSRI, and I'm hoping it'll make life a little better. I'm going to try to blog every single day, even if its for less than 20 minutes. I think its important to track how I'm feeling on it, too see how I develop/ change for the better/ worse.

Today was up and down. Last night when I was going to bed, Cal was super tired, but I wasn't. I got really really anxious, and had a weird panic attack. I slept from 4 to 11, waking up once at 8 but falling back to sleep. I woke up feeling alright. I had a banana and took my pill.

The amount I'm taking, 10 mg, is very little. Wait, I'm going to talk about my day, then ponder life.

My friend (Kadri) was moving today, but it started at 10:00. I called and said I'd be there late. I already felt bad about being late. Also, I was a little disappointed that Cal wasn't going, but she never committed herself to going to it was her prerogative to not go.

I got to Kadri's, and his apartment was empty. Most everything had been moved. Some people were in the stairwell trying to disassemble his bedspring. I said hi to everyone. Most people, though, were standing around and I didn't feel like I could do anything. Because I was so late, I felt really out of place and awkward. He was buying pizza and beer for helping, but since I didn't help I felt I didn't deserve that either.

I decided I should leave, but I didn't want to tell anyone. I really hate saying goodbye to people. I feel like they'd judge me for not helping more, or for showing up late, or for anything. They'd ask why I was leaving, and I wasn't up to explain, so I just kinda left. I felt horrible after that, too. I didn't even say goodbye to Kadri. I did text him, but it wasn't very satisfactory.

I drove around for a while, trying to think of something to eat, cause I hadn't had much to eat all day. I needed a few things from Tillicum, so I stopped in there and walked around. I found it very soothing to do, to do my own thing and not have anything expected of me. Cal called me, worried, but I said we could meet up later.

I needed to pick up a few things from my house, and my family was home. The 3rd period of the Canucks game had started, so I sat down with my Dad and watched it. I also enjoyed that, sitting back and relaxing and bonding with my Dad. I'll be sad when the series is over. It was a really good game. One thing about hockey though, is its another thing my Dad and I have in common, but its another thing that makes my Mom feel left out.

When the game was over, I headed to the highland games to see Cal and friends. I was happy to meet them, and the weather wasn't ideal, but not terrible. Cal and her sister were really interested in the booths as they have Celtic heritage, where I am not interested. I felt bad cause I just browsed the booths, but they actually talked to the people. At fairs and such, I hate talking to the people. I hate the feeling of being obliged into conversation.

Later tonight I met up with high school friends, which I did enjoy. I felt like it went on too long, but I did like it. My friend recently came out as gay, so its nice to see him. I was able to talk about Cal and my family, and how to make my life easier. I really appreciated that I could be completely open about my relationship without feeling any sort of shame. Even around Cal's sister, and household, history makes it difficult to talk about our relationship.

I've never really though about how that effects us. In bed last night I heard someone cough downstairs, and realized how not soundproof her bedroom is. I don't know what this house thinks of me. I think people know my history, and I don't know if they judge me for it. Sometimes Cal, although she doesn't mean to, makes me ashamed that I've been with guys. I will always feel uncomfortable about it.

But, medication. I look back at my history, and can see indications. I mean, they could have been normal teenage/ hormonal things. I have always assumed they were. I am really curious as to how this is going to affect me. Its tough cause its a slow process, but I'll track it here. I probably won't be as thorough as I was today (about my day), but am going to try to document my moods and side effects.

I really hope that I'll start to enjoy everything more. I find right now I just don't have an interest in a lot of stuff. I know I've dropped a lot of my friends off the map for various reasons. I don't have any sort of concentration any more. That could be from the lack of schedule I've had. I can't concentrate on a movie by myself, and barely with Cal can I do it.

Anyways, here is my post for Day 1.

We headed back here, and I had a lovely nap with Cal. I was surprised that I did nap, I was feeling anxious after the festival. I trying to relax, and concentrated on her breathing, and the feeling of her against me.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Post 5?


I hate feeling like this. I hate being at home, I feel trapped. I feel uncomfortable hanging out with my parents, so I stick to the confines of my room. I can't really go out, as nothing is open at night/ people don't want to just hang out. I'm finding it very difficult that I can't go to Cals, although I know its a good idea not too. I just feel safe there, and like being around the other people. I feel so alone here, bored out of my mind.

I can't concentrate on movies. I don't want to commit focus to a movie. Watching them alone makes me feel lonely. I feel like this post is already a complete failure. I feel super overweight right now. I know I haven't been taking the best care of myself, eating and exercise-wise. Listening to Amber by 311, its a nice chill song.

Got my hair cut today, and I do not like it. Its too short, and not really what I asked for. Its my fault though, I didn't speak up. I always try to judge the stylists vision. Its not a bad cut thankfully, just not what I wanted at all. I look like Coraline. Cute, for a 12-year-old. Its almost an Anna Wintour thing too, but again, not what I wanted. I really wanted an inverted bob, super piece-y and sexy. I don't know how I'm going to work it, but I'd better figure it out.

I just can't concentrate on anything right now. I really just want to be at Cals. I know I'm using her as a place to feel safe, not just cause I want to see her. I know we need our time apart. I, just want to be anywhere but here. I did my nails, caught up on the TV I've missed.

If I go on medication I'm worried about feeling like this. I could see myself doing something rash and dumb, not being able to think clearly. No one needs me right now, why should I exist. I feel so, empty? No. I know that I can go to sleep in a couple hours, so thats nice. I really don't like this getting up late thing. It totally fucks with me. If I felt like this during the day i could go shopping or for a walk, but as its night stores are closed and I don't feel comfortable going for a walk.

I don't know how working is going to change how I feel. I really hope I start enjoying other peoples company. Right now I don't feel comfortable hanging out with most people. I would like to get a hold of Jos, but she hasen't answered my latest text.

I wish I could find someone to have good discussion with.

I wish I didn't feel like everything in my life was wrong.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Feeling Funny

I know I fail it making these blog posts. I really would like to do them more often, I find them very helpful. Right now I feel trapped. I don't want to be at home, I feel uncomfortable and claustrophobic. When I woke up at 8 I took more nyquil in hopes of sleeping more, but no luck. I then smoked a little at 10, and felt pretty good. Around 12 I crashed, eating very little. I got up and showered, and crashed again at 2. [crashing meaning having absolutely no energy, and just laying in bed]. I now feel horrible. I managed to put some turkey between two slices of bread, but haven't aten much else today. I feel very odd right now. I feel like doing something out of the blue, like getting a piercing or something. My dad is home so I can't smoke, but I feel like taking a shot, or going and spending money on unimportant things.

What I'd really like to do is go over to Cals, but I don't think she's up yet. I've been up for nearly 8 hours. I mom will be home in about an hour, and I want to be gone before then. I want to go to Cals and eat a special cookie, and enjoy time with her. She has Victoriana tonight though, so I don't think she'd be down. I cancelled on G for dinner, I didn't think I'd enjoy her company, and didn't want something to push me even further down. I just don't have any energy to get up. I know I should tidy my room, or do my make-up, or pack my bag, but I just don't care. I don't want to change. I don't want to cover my acne, I have no energy. I just want somewhere that I can be my nutty self without judgement. I know I gotta get out of here before my Mom comes home.

I think I'll go to Cals, even though she's not expecting me for another 4 hours.

I got distracted. I made an appointment to get my hair cut, I know I really need it. Saw a make-up post, am going to try that next.