Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Free-Write, #3


I just had a mini panic attack. I didn't sleep very well last night. I turned my light out at 1:30, but fell asleep after 5. I woke up at 10, so I only got 5 hours of sleep. I was alright this morning, but my mom made me grumpy. I got to visit with my cousin this afternoon, and he is super cute. I can finally understand why people love children. Hes got 2 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth, and gives me the cutest grin. I spend a 1/2 hour alone with him while his mom was out, although I feel like it was cheating cause he was sleeping. We sat on the sundeck as it was surprisingly warm out today. He just watched life. He is sooooo cute. I know, I never thought I'd be one of those people, but he really is. I LOVE when I make him laugh. I'm getting a lot more comfortable with his mother as well.

But I headed over to Cals. Even now, I've only had a banana and a grilled cheese in the 8.5 hours I've been awake. I know that could also be the cause of my grumpyness. I know its no one elses responsability to feed me, but combined with lack of sleep its a lethal combination. We went grocery shopping, so that was meh. Before shopping she got really frusterated at little things, which stresses me out. I know to not make a big deal of it, and to just sit through it. We came home, and I carried 3 massive bags of groceries in, along with my purse. I then asked Cal if she needed help unloading the groceries, and she said no, so I sat on the sofa. With lack of food and sleep, I just lay here sleepily. The leaders debate was on, so she sat in another chair and watched it. Out plan was to watch it, but thats not my deal. The couch is massive, I don't know why she didn't lay here with my, or sat here or something. Then she wanted to go to the other room where peeps were, even though she lives with them. I know they were talking aboiut some home-town gossip, but I feel like I shower her with attention, and would like some in return.

I know I have a problem wiht being very obcessive. Its what drove my last major relationship apart. I can see it happening again, and it worries me greatly. She says that it isn't a big deal, but I don't know if she doesn't realise it, or that it isn't a big deal. I just want someone who is excited when I come over, and thanks me for a ride, and just makes a big deal of me. But then, I do understand that life isn't all about yourself, and that you have to make some comprimises.

I've come to a road block. I'm tired, and I feel like I've ruined our date night. Its only 6:30. She asked if I wanted to nap, but I felt like I couldn't. Also, napping makes me sleep less well. And, if I napped I know we'd be up past 2:00. I'm really trying to aim for that. I don't know what we're doing tonight. She doesn't seem like she's in a romantic mood, so I dunno. I guess we'll make food now. I poured myself and energy drink, but have yet to drink it. I need to be not laying down :P

Cal is laying beside me right no, but I don't know what she wants to do. I have a feeling she's like to visit her sister, or watch TV, or do anything but interact with me. Comedy stuff between us is difficult because we mostly have a very different sence of humour. She likes South Park and other cartoons, and I don't.

Last night we had an interesting talk. It wasn't all bad, but more just interesting. I'm glad I'm writing, because it makes me more awake. I actually am loving this writing thing, it allows me to express myself and reflect without having to bother anyone. I don't know if I should edit this before I post it. [I did, but mostly just for spelling]. I often forget all Ive written. I really do just write exactly what I'm thinking. Its nice cause after a while my words just flow. I stop worrying about what i'm writing, and I can just be my true self. I also feel like I've had caffiene, I get this fast driven pace going.

4 more minutes.

I want to listen to Wicked. I'm LOVING THAT SONG POPULAR. Chenowith (sp?) is adorable! I'm getting excited to see it in June. I know its a long ways away, but it gives me something to look forward too. I put my hair in 2 little buns this mornign after I showered, and I get cute semi-curly hair. I really want to cut my hair, but I'm afraid I'll regret it. I know thats not a good way to live ones life though, and hair does grow back. I know I just dislike long hair in the summer. I like the swing of short hair, and the way it looks cute if you do absolutely nothing with it. I like the way my fingers sound when they tap across the keys. I can't imagine doing essays. I wonder how many words I write. I was very happy when Cal complimented my typing speed. I know the grammar isn't the best, but I'm going to go back after the 20 minutes. I find if I correct myself while I'm typing, I loose my speed and my thought process.

And hey, its 20 minutes. Hopefully our night will round up well. There are always bumps in the road.

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