Friday, April 29, 2011

Free-Write Day 4


SoI Obviously didn't keep up with this, but its something I think is useful and am going to try more. Just sitting here next to my lady, starting this.

And I was interrupted for an amazing kiss, but here I go again. Sitting at my desk. I was just editing pictures in Picasa and enjoying it. I've gotten a lot more kinky pictures lately, so yay! Not loving a lot of them, but they are body ones so of course. The reason I keep posting face pics is cause I like my face. It isn't fat, and photographs well.

I took some of my little cousin, and they turned out amazingly! Love love love them. He was also wearing a mini Canucks jersey, which made the pics perfect. I really enjoyed taking his picture. I really like the some of the angels I took the pics at. Some of them are a little washed out in the face, but meh. I'd love to do a family photograph with the 3 of them. Possibly a 1-year birthday gift?

I did Cals back today, and it looked super neat! I used makeup and made a watercolor looking heart on her back.I liked the artistry of it, its something I've never done. Its also a good way to find new colours within my collection. Her back is crazy soft. I may have soft legs, but her back beats my legs :P I wish I could be spooning up to her right now.

So, in the morning Cal is very cuddly and sleepy, where I want to get up and get a start on my day. She likes to have cuddles, and I feel terrible for not loving them as much as I should. I get anxious when I stay in bed.

I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have plans I get anxious. I need to know what I'm doing. I think thats why the last couple days have been difficult, along with PMSing -.-

I wrote a list of concerns in my life last night that I'd like to deal with. Cal was really helpful in that she actually wrote the list, I just told her my concerns. I need to expand upon some of them. I really like the way she worded them, I know I'm not very good at that. I feel like if I were to go to a counselor I need her along, cause she can better describe how I'm feeling, and can come to better conclusions than I.

Also, I think that some of our friends are having a party tonight, without us. I understand why, they have a lot of friends and need to change it up, but I'm still a little miffed. I purposely made sure I didn't make plans tonight, and am now left with nothing to do. I'm uneasy.

Recently I have not been getting enough sleep. We've been staying up until 4 or 5, but I can't manage to sleep past 10. Then Cal gets lots of sleep, and doesn't need to go to bed again till 4 or 5. I on the other hand, ... I dunno. Its something I'd like to adjust. I try to set a time, like I'd like to be asleep by 2, but Cal doesn't like ... "deadlines". I find it helpful, cause then I see its midnight, and I know I'd like to have sex tonight, but to be asleep by 2 we should probably head to bed now. Sometimes we head to bed at 2, but then have sex. I LOVE SEX, but I need sleep too. Its a tough balance.

I've been pondering the idea of going back to a counselor/ psychiatrist. Things aren't repairing themselves although I'm not at school. I know though, that there are things I could possibly fix to make me feel better:

-More sleep
-Consistent sleeping schedule
-Eating consistently through the day
-Eating better
-Exercising more

I feel like until I do all but the job part, I shouldn't go to a counselor because they'll just tell me to do that and come back. Its my responsibility to take care of myself, and I am not doing it very well. I feel like my life is falling apart. Everything is falling between my fingers, and I have no control over it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Free-Write, #3


I just had a mini panic attack. I didn't sleep very well last night. I turned my light out at 1:30, but fell asleep after 5. I woke up at 10, so I only got 5 hours of sleep. I was alright this morning, but my mom made me grumpy. I got to visit with my cousin this afternoon, and he is super cute. I can finally understand why people love children. Hes got 2 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth, and gives me the cutest grin. I spend a 1/2 hour alone with him while his mom was out, although I feel like it was cheating cause he was sleeping. We sat on the sundeck as it was surprisingly warm out today. He just watched life. He is sooooo cute. I know, I never thought I'd be one of those people, but he really is. I LOVE when I make him laugh. I'm getting a lot more comfortable with his mother as well.

But I headed over to Cals. Even now, I've only had a banana and a grilled cheese in the 8.5 hours I've been awake. I know that could also be the cause of my grumpyness. I know its no one elses responsability to feed me, but combined with lack of sleep its a lethal combination. We went grocery shopping, so that was meh. Before shopping she got really frusterated at little things, which stresses me out. I know to not make a big deal of it, and to just sit through it. We came home, and I carried 3 massive bags of groceries in, along with my purse. I then asked Cal if she needed help unloading the groceries, and she said no, so I sat on the sofa. With lack of food and sleep, I just lay here sleepily. The leaders debate was on, so she sat in another chair and watched it. Out plan was to watch it, but thats not my deal. The couch is massive, I don't know why she didn't lay here with my, or sat here or something. Then she wanted to go to the other room where peeps were, even though she lives with them. I know they were talking aboiut some home-town gossip, but I feel like I shower her with attention, and would like some in return.

I know I have a problem wiht being very obcessive. Its what drove my last major relationship apart. I can see it happening again, and it worries me greatly. She says that it isn't a big deal, but I don't know if she doesn't realise it, or that it isn't a big deal. I just want someone who is excited when I come over, and thanks me for a ride, and just makes a big deal of me. But then, I do understand that life isn't all about yourself, and that you have to make some comprimises.

I've come to a road block. I'm tired, and I feel like I've ruined our date night. Its only 6:30. She asked if I wanted to nap, but I felt like I couldn't. Also, napping makes me sleep less well. And, if I napped I know we'd be up past 2:00. I'm really trying to aim for that. I don't know what we're doing tonight. She doesn't seem like she's in a romantic mood, so I dunno. I guess we'll make food now. I poured myself and energy drink, but have yet to drink it. I need to be not laying down :P

Cal is laying beside me right no, but I don't know what she wants to do. I have a feeling she's like to visit her sister, or watch TV, or do anything but interact with me. Comedy stuff between us is difficult because we mostly have a very different sence of humour. She likes South Park and other cartoons, and I don't.

Last night we had an interesting talk. It wasn't all bad, but more just interesting. I'm glad I'm writing, because it makes me more awake. I actually am loving this writing thing, it allows me to express myself and reflect without having to bother anyone. I don't know if I should edit this before I post it. [I did, but mostly just for spelling]. I often forget all Ive written. I really do just write exactly what I'm thinking. Its nice cause after a while my words just flow. I stop worrying about what i'm writing, and I can just be my true self. I also feel like I've had caffiene, I get this fast driven pace going.

4 more minutes.

I want to listen to Wicked. I'm LOVING THAT SONG POPULAR. Chenowith (sp?) is adorable! I'm getting excited to see it in June. I know its a long ways away, but it gives me something to look forward too. I put my hair in 2 little buns this mornign after I showered, and I get cute semi-curly hair. I really want to cut my hair, but I'm afraid I'll regret it. I know thats not a good way to live ones life though, and hair does grow back. I know I just dislike long hair in the summer. I like the swing of short hair, and the way it looks cute if you do absolutely nothing with it. I like the way my fingers sound when they tap across the keys. I can't imagine doing essays. I wonder how many words I write. I was very happy when Cal complimented my typing speed. I know the grammar isn't the best, but I'm going to go back after the 20 minutes. I find if I correct myself while I'm typing, I loose my speed and my thought process.

And hey, its 20 minutes. Hopefully our night will round up well. There are always bumps in the road.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Free-Write Day 2

I had quite a wonderful day. I just got home from visiting with a great friend G, and another good friend C. I almost consider C an older brother. I was thinking about it on the way home, and I feel like I could tell him anything, and get great advice, or just a hug and some comfort. Even though we haven't been close for a super long time, I feel like we're becoming long-time friends.

We watched Scrubs, and I'd never seen the show but liked it! Delish pasta was made, with an okay salad and garlic bread! Yum yum yum. Had an interesting conversation with G. Lots of drama, but I found it verrrrry interesting. I'm definitely learning from her mistakes.

I'm finding it hard to push myself through this today. I just want to sit and do my nails and watch weeds. I get to see my lovely lady tomorrow, so I want to make sure they are in top condition. Not sure of the colour that they shall be yet. I might just remove my current polish and cut them tonight. Paint them in the morning, along with showering and such.

I had a fantastic ride today! I rode to school and back, 40 minutes each way. Along with my ride yesterday, my pubic bone (?) is quite sore, but hopefully Cal will be sympathetic. I really do love to ride my bike. I feel so powerful, its amazing what the body can do. I flew by a bunch of cars stuck in traffic, which felt great. There were a few evil hills, but I beat them! I rode the entire way, but only walked up half my driveway, instead of the whole way. Wait till you see it before you judge :P

I had an appointment at school about career/ job searching. It was kinda helpful, but I know I have to put a lot of work into it. He recommended doing an "informational meeting" where you call the company up and ask to meet with someone to learn more about the company and the industry. He gave me a couple companies to contact, so that might be my next step. I feel like I do have an advantage being in electronics. I'm young, and not jaded with bad work habits. I have 2 great references behind me. I am a very good people person, something that the average electronics person lacks. I'm a relatively good technologist too. I just don't want to settle for something, not like it, and quit. I really liked the job I had last year, but I don't want to go to them before I know I want to be there long term.

I kinda wish I could get a random job for May-June, then have July-August off to party and exercise and visit and have fun. A couple people from school got jobs at lush, and I'm jealous! In a silly way. I always dreamed of working there, but I think I'd get bored, and I don't like to push myself on people and they tend to do that. I'd like to try being the manager. I've never done anything like that though. I think I might try and work in some experience for that into volunteer work. I feel like thats a good way to try something out casually, and it looks great on a resume.
Apparently the local library was looking for people to teach basic computer skills. I thought about doing that, but I'm not the most patient person in the world. Again, it would look great on a resume, and I can see it feeling great to help people learn important skills.

I hope I sleep well tonight. Lately I've been sleeping like crap when I'm at home, but I think I go to bed, but then stay awake talking to people for an hour, and get very warm, and then I'm unable to sleep. Also, I find having awesome and interesting discussions makes it tough to sleep. So, just weeds and nails for me.

Tomorrow I get to see my baby cousin, which is super exciting. I've never been a baby person, but I can see the draw of having one after spending time with him. He is really freakin' cute. And then DATE NIGHT! And, we're going to watch the federal debate, how studious of us :P I'm pretty excited to have her attention all to myself for one evening, it will be magical!

Now to wrap up. I should probably post tomorrow, but I'm not sure what I'll talk about. I will contemplate that. I suppose this [the blog] is for Cal originally, but I think it would be a useful tool for me to look back on, and track my feelings. So far I haven't had any really bad upset moments. I think that might be difficult to blog about, and to look back upon in shame the next day. But, like goes on, and so will my blogging.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

So I have a plan for my day tomorrow, but its not too full. The morning is flexible, since I might sleep in. I always feel best when I have a plan for my day. I might wake up, and change it, but I feel good right now.

Also, I've been listening to ambient music playlist on youtube on and off today, its quite nice.


Just try it. It fun and makes happy background music.

Free-Write, Day 1


Last night I was dropping Cal off, and got upset because I wanted to stay with her/ didn't want to be home all day. She helped me by asking me to do a few chores. One of them was to do at least 20 minutes of free writing a day, starting today. Although its 9PM, I am doing it, and am happy. I remember doing these in high school, and I didn't mind them then. I'm pretty much just writing what comes to mind, so please excuse me if its all over the place. I'm not much of a writer. I;d like to change that though, and I suppose here is a good place to start. Writing is an important skill for most workers. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, and "on to paper". 

Anyways, I had a pretty good day. I woke up at 11, and got 9 hours' sleep, which was nice. I had strawberry oatmeal with my dad. Cal asked me to have breakfast with my dad, because she knows I like to do that. I then piddled around, and finally did some research on my Strong Interest Inventory (SII). I looked up managerial positions, which I thought I might like. I am very organised, and am good at lists and such. Downfalls, I'm sometimes not good at communicating what exactly I'm feeling, especially in writing. I then was organizing my music collection. I like doing that, but it seems a little pointless. It needs to be done sometime though. I thought that what I was doing in my spare time would be like database work or something. Must look that up. 

Oh jeez, its only 9:16 ... How do people do this?

I keep on correcting my mistakes, but I know I should try to keep continually writing. I'm surprised at how much I can write in such a short time/. I'm not exactly thinking of what I'm saying though. Kind of how like I talk. Words just fall out of my mouth, not really being processed by my brain. It gets me in trouble sometimes. 

So, last night. I don't know why I started crying. Maybe I am afraid of being alone. Once I'm home, its not so bad. Maybe I have separation anxiety? I just know that whenever I'm with Cal, going home seems bleak and sad. I do know I have co-dependent tendencies. Thinking of living ones' life alone is sad to me. I feel like everything has more meaning when you share it with someone you love. I saw MCR last weekend, and was thinking how much more special this would be if Cal was with me. But, when leaving Cal, I can't think of anything to do at home. It feels all empty and sad. In reality, I had plenty to do today. Nothing important, but still stuff. 

It'll be interesting when my parents are gone. They've done it before for weeks at a time, so I'm used to it. I've changed since UVic, I do get upset more easily now. I'm not too worried, I just hope people will be willing to come over. I plan on making lots of plans. I'd also like to get high, I feel like if I just have a stint where I can get high whenever I'd like, I'd get over how awesome it is. Kinda. Like, hmm. Awesome isn't the right word, grr, must keep on writing. I'd like to have a FL party, but I'm not sure that'll happen. Perhaps this Saturday, I don't have plans. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a career counselor, and hopefully I'll find it helpful. I'm not exactly going to him with a specific question, but I feel like I've at least done a bit of research. I have the rest of the evening, and tomorrow morning. My appt is at 3, but I'd like to be at school by 1 or 2 to catch up with the pride office. I like to go in at least once a week and show my face, keep up with the happenings. I thought I might bike, but am not sure. I don't know if I'll be staying with Cal tomorrow night or what. There is a quiet doms meeting, and I think Curt and I were going to hang out possibly? 

My mom bought me Eggies, and they are sitting at my desk tempting me to eat them. I've already downed like half the package today. My parents are watching a movie, Date Night, right now and I think I might join them. I find though that when I watch movies with them I can't concentrate. I get up and go to the computer, or bring my iPod down, and they bug me about it. So I just don't join them. I suppose since they aren't here for much longer, I should hang with them. 

Right, no much Tuesday. WEIRD! 

 I always plan my day, even if I don't follow it. Like, I already have a plan for tomorrow. I know I have to be at UVic by 3, and I generally sleep till 9. I know I need to shower at some point, but I don't know if I could do that at Cals? I like to know, but she tends to make plans on the fly. I don't like to not know whats happening. 

Hmm. So my first write. I think it went well? I should probably ponder more important things, but I can work on that. I don't know how [or if] I'm going to publish this, but I'd like that, I feel like it'd be less of a waste.