Apparently I haven't updated since May. My bad ... time has been flying! Working almost full time now. I still come in at 10 or 11 some mornings, and leave a little early once in a while. I really liked working 1-5 though. It didn't interfere with my life outside work. Now my life revolves around work. As most peoples' do, but I liked it the other way around.
I upped my medication in July, and am still adjusting. I feel like things have been pretty rocky. I'd like to think its the medication. For a couple days in July I missed work and spend it with Cal and her sisters. I cried throughout the day, though.
I did get up to see my cousin Jessica twice though. I went up once for Jellopalooza, and I got my hair cut. I love my haircut!!! I love that about Jessica, she seems to know exactly what I want before even I know. I enjoyed Jellopalooza, although I kept on having issues and had to be by myself for a bit. I kept missing my wrestling time, and only ended up fighting once. I was pretty embarrassed that I went missing.
I got to go camping for the [august] long weekend at Gooseneck Lake, where we were in 2010. It was super gorgeous there. It rained for an entire day, but I had fun exploring with my car. I got to dance naked in the rain, and smoke to my hearts content. I also became known for being missing. I got to spend some quality time with my extended family, which was nice. A couple of my relatives (in their 50's) asked where my partner was, and that she was definitely welcome to any family events. It was really nice to hear that, especially with my Mom's slow support (its her side of the family).
My parents visited while camping, and I was talking about the Van Pride Parade. My mom shushed me, saying my grandparents didn't know about my partner. It was just very frustrating overall. She said something like, "Well there's no 'straight' parade". I had to explain to her that every other day straight people can parade around and be confident they won't run into difficulties.
I think I've started to realize with working so much I need more personal time. Lately, especially while house-sitting, I've wanted to just sit down with a video game and smoke and be chill.
Anyways, I'm gonna post later. I'd like to find an ipod app from which I can post, it'd make my life so much easier!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Emotions: 1
11:08
So, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I suppose every day is that, but today I changed something. I started an SSRI, and I'm hoping it'll make life a little better. I'm going to try to blog every single day, even if its for less than 20 minutes. I think its important to track how I'm feeling on it, too see how I develop/ change for the better/ worse.
Today was up and down. Last night when I was going to bed, Cal was super tired, but I wasn't. I got really really anxious, and had a weird panic attack. I slept from 4 to 11, waking up once at 8 but falling back to sleep. I woke up feeling alright. I had a banana and took my pill.
The amount I'm taking, 10 mg, is very little. Wait, I'm going to talk about my day, then ponder life.
My friend (Kadri) was moving today, but it started at 10:00. I called and said I'd be there late. I already felt bad about being late. Also, I was a little disappointed that Cal wasn't going, but she never committed herself to going to it was her prerogative to not go.
I got to Kadri's, and his apartment was empty. Most everything had been moved. Some people were in the stairwell trying to disassemble his bedspring. I said hi to everyone. Most people, though, were standing around and I didn't feel like I could do anything. Because I was so late, I felt really out of place and awkward. He was buying pizza and beer for helping, but since I didn't help I felt I didn't deserve that either.
I decided I should leave, but I didn't want to tell anyone. I really hate saying goodbye to people. I feel like they'd judge me for not helping more, or for showing up late, or for anything. They'd ask why I was leaving, and I wasn't up to explain, so I just kinda left. I felt horrible after that, too. I didn't even say goodbye to Kadri. I did text him, but it wasn't very satisfactory.
I drove around for a while, trying to think of something to eat, cause I hadn't had much to eat all day. I needed a few things from Tillicum, so I stopped in there and walked around. I found it very soothing to do, to do my own thing and not have anything expected of me. Cal called me, worried, but I said we could meet up later.
I needed to pick up a few things from my house, and my family was home. The 3rd period of the Canucks game had started, so I sat down with my Dad and watched it. I also enjoyed that, sitting back and relaxing and bonding with my Dad. I'll be sad when the series is over. It was a really good game. One thing about hockey though, is its another thing my Dad and I have in common, but its another thing that makes my Mom feel left out.
When the game was over, I headed to the highland games to see Cal and friends. I was happy to meet them, and the weather wasn't ideal, but not terrible. Cal and her sister were really interested in the booths as they have Celtic heritage, where I am not interested. I felt bad cause I just browsed the booths, but they actually talked to the people. At fairs and such, I hate talking to the people. I hate the feeling of being obliged into conversation.
Later tonight I met up with high school friends, which I did enjoy. I felt like it went on too long, but I did like it. My friend recently came out as gay, so its nice to see him. I was able to talk about Cal and my family, and how to make my life easier. I really appreciated that I could be completely open about my relationship without feeling any sort of shame. Even around Cal's sister, and household, history makes it difficult to talk about our relationship.
I've never really though about how that effects us. In bed last night I heard someone cough downstairs, and realized how not soundproof her bedroom is. I don't know what this house thinks of me. I think people know my history, and I don't know if they judge me for it. Sometimes Cal, although she doesn't mean to, makes me ashamed that I've been with guys. I will always feel uncomfortable about it.
But, medication. I look back at my history, and can see indications. I mean, they could have been normal teenage/ hormonal things. I have always assumed they were. I am really curious as to how this is going to affect me. Its tough cause its a slow process, but I'll track it here. I probably won't be as thorough as I was today (about my day), but am going to try to document my moods and side effects.
I really hope that I'll start to enjoy everything more. I find right now I just don't have an interest in a lot of stuff. I know I've dropped a lot of my friends off the map for various reasons. I don't have any sort of concentration any more. That could be from the lack of schedule I've had. I can't concentrate on a movie by myself, and barely with Cal can I do it.
Anyways, here is my post for Day 1.
We headed back here, and I had a lovely nap with Cal. I was surprised that I did nap, I was feeling anxious after the festival. I trying to relax, and concentrated on her breathing, and the feeling of her against me.
So, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I suppose every day is that, but today I changed something. I started an SSRI, and I'm hoping it'll make life a little better. I'm going to try to blog every single day, even if its for less than 20 minutes. I think its important to track how I'm feeling on it, too see how I develop/ change for the better/ worse.
Today was up and down. Last night when I was going to bed, Cal was super tired, but I wasn't. I got really really anxious, and had a weird panic attack. I slept from 4 to 11, waking up once at 8 but falling back to sleep. I woke up feeling alright. I had a banana and took my pill.
The amount I'm taking, 10 mg, is very little. Wait, I'm going to talk about my day, then ponder life.
My friend (Kadri) was moving today, but it started at 10:00. I called and said I'd be there late. I already felt bad about being late. Also, I was a little disappointed that Cal wasn't going, but she never committed herself to going to it was her prerogative to not go.
I got to Kadri's, and his apartment was empty. Most everything had been moved. Some people were in the stairwell trying to disassemble his bedspring. I said hi to everyone. Most people, though, were standing around and I didn't feel like I could do anything. Because I was so late, I felt really out of place and awkward. He was buying pizza and beer for helping, but since I didn't help I felt I didn't deserve that either.
I decided I should leave, but I didn't want to tell anyone. I really hate saying goodbye to people. I feel like they'd judge me for not helping more, or for showing up late, or for anything. They'd ask why I was leaving, and I wasn't up to explain, so I just kinda left. I felt horrible after that, too. I didn't even say goodbye to Kadri. I did text him, but it wasn't very satisfactory.
I drove around for a while, trying to think of something to eat, cause I hadn't had much to eat all day. I needed a few things from Tillicum, so I stopped in there and walked around. I found it very soothing to do, to do my own thing and not have anything expected of me. Cal called me, worried, but I said we could meet up later.
I needed to pick up a few things from my house, and my family was home. The 3rd period of the Canucks game had started, so I sat down with my Dad and watched it. I also enjoyed that, sitting back and relaxing and bonding with my Dad. I'll be sad when the series is over. It was a really good game. One thing about hockey though, is its another thing my Dad and I have in common, but its another thing that makes my Mom feel left out.
When the game was over, I headed to the highland games to see Cal and friends. I was happy to meet them, and the weather wasn't ideal, but not terrible. Cal and her sister were really interested in the booths as they have Celtic heritage, where I am not interested. I felt bad cause I just browsed the booths, but they actually talked to the people. At fairs and such, I hate talking to the people. I hate the feeling of being obliged into conversation.
Later tonight I met up with high school friends, which I did enjoy. I felt like it went on too long, but I did like it. My friend recently came out as gay, so its nice to see him. I was able to talk about Cal and my family, and how to make my life easier. I really appreciated that I could be completely open about my relationship without feeling any sort of shame. Even around Cal's sister, and household, history makes it difficult to talk about our relationship.
I've never really though about how that effects us. In bed last night I heard someone cough downstairs, and realized how not soundproof her bedroom is. I don't know what this house thinks of me. I think people know my history, and I don't know if they judge me for it. Sometimes Cal, although she doesn't mean to, makes me ashamed that I've been with guys. I will always feel uncomfortable about it.
But, medication. I look back at my history, and can see indications. I mean, they could have been normal teenage/ hormonal things. I have always assumed they were. I am really curious as to how this is going to affect me. Its tough cause its a slow process, but I'll track it here. I probably won't be as thorough as I was today (about my day), but am going to try to document my moods and side effects.
I really hope that I'll start to enjoy everything more. I find right now I just don't have an interest in a lot of stuff. I know I've dropped a lot of my friends off the map for various reasons. I don't have any sort of concentration any more. That could be from the lack of schedule I've had. I can't concentrate on a movie by myself, and barely with Cal can I do it.
Anyways, here is my post for Day 1.
We headed back here, and I had a lovely nap with Cal. I was surprised that I did nap, I was feeling anxious after the festival. I trying to relax, and concentrated on her breathing, and the feeling of her against me.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Post 5?
10:29
I hate feeling like this. I hate being at home, I feel trapped. I feel uncomfortable hanging out with my parents, so I stick to the confines of my room. I can't really go out, as nothing is open at night/ people don't want to just hang out. I'm finding it very difficult that I can't go to Cals, although I know its a good idea not too. I just feel safe there, and like being around the other people. I feel so alone here, bored out of my mind.
I can't concentrate on movies. I don't want to commit focus to a movie. Watching them alone makes me feel lonely. I feel like this post is already a complete failure. I feel super overweight right now. I know I haven't been taking the best care of myself, eating and exercise-wise. Listening to Amber by 311, its a nice chill song.
Got my hair cut today, and I do not like it. Its too short, and not really what I asked for. Its my fault though, I didn't speak up. I always try to judge the stylists vision. Its not a bad cut thankfully, just not what I wanted at all. I look like Coraline. Cute, for a 12-year-old. Its almost an Anna Wintour thing too, but again, not what I wanted. I really wanted an inverted bob, super piece-y and sexy. I don't know how I'm going to work it, but I'd better figure it out.
I just can't concentrate on anything right now. I really just want to be at Cals. I know I'm using her as a place to feel safe, not just cause I want to see her. I know we need our time apart. I, just want to be anywhere but here. I did my nails, caught up on the TV I've missed.
If I go on medication I'm worried about feeling like this. I could see myself doing something rash and dumb, not being able to think clearly. No one needs me right now, why should I exist. I feel so, empty? No. I know that I can go to sleep in a couple hours, so thats nice. I really don't like this getting up late thing. It totally fucks with me. If I felt like this during the day i could go shopping or for a walk, but as its night stores are closed and I don't feel comfortable going for a walk.
I don't know how working is going to change how I feel. I really hope I start enjoying other peoples company. Right now I don't feel comfortable hanging out with most people. I would like to get a hold of Jos, but she hasen't answered my latest text.
I wish I could find someone to have good discussion with.
I wish I didn't feel like everything in my life was wrong.
I hate feeling like this. I hate being at home, I feel trapped. I feel uncomfortable hanging out with my parents, so I stick to the confines of my room. I can't really go out, as nothing is open at night/ people don't want to just hang out. I'm finding it very difficult that I can't go to Cals, although I know its a good idea not too. I just feel safe there, and like being around the other people. I feel so alone here, bored out of my mind.
I can't concentrate on movies. I don't want to commit focus to a movie. Watching them alone makes me feel lonely. I feel like this post is already a complete failure. I feel super overweight right now. I know I haven't been taking the best care of myself, eating and exercise-wise. Listening to Amber by 311, its a nice chill song.
Got my hair cut today, and I do not like it. Its too short, and not really what I asked for. Its my fault though, I didn't speak up. I always try to judge the stylists vision. Its not a bad cut thankfully, just not what I wanted at all. I look like Coraline. Cute, for a 12-year-old. Its almost an Anna Wintour thing too, but again, not what I wanted. I really wanted an inverted bob, super piece-y and sexy. I don't know how I'm going to work it, but I'd better figure it out.
I just can't concentrate on anything right now. I really just want to be at Cals. I know I'm using her as a place to feel safe, not just cause I want to see her. I know we need our time apart. I, just want to be anywhere but here. I did my nails, caught up on the TV I've missed.
If I go on medication I'm worried about feeling like this. I could see myself doing something rash and dumb, not being able to think clearly. No one needs me right now, why should I exist. I feel so, empty? No. I know that I can go to sleep in a couple hours, so thats nice. I really don't like this getting up late thing. It totally fucks with me. If I felt like this during the day i could go shopping or for a walk, but as its night stores are closed and I don't feel comfortable going for a walk.
I don't know how working is going to change how I feel. I really hope I start enjoying other peoples company. Right now I don't feel comfortable hanging out with most people. I would like to get a hold of Jos, but she hasen't answered my latest text.
I wish I could find someone to have good discussion with.
I wish I didn't feel like everything in my life was wrong.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Feeling Funny
I know I fail it making these blog posts. I really would like to do them more often, I find them very helpful. Right now I feel trapped. I don't want to be at home, I feel uncomfortable and claustrophobic. When I woke up at 8 I took more nyquil in hopes of sleeping more, but no luck. I then smoked a little at 10, and felt pretty good. Around 12 I crashed, eating very little. I got up and showered, and crashed again at 2. [crashing meaning having absolutely no energy, and just laying in bed]. I now feel horrible. I managed to put some turkey between two slices of bread, but haven't aten much else today. I feel very odd right now. I feel like doing something out of the blue, like getting a piercing or something. My dad is home so I can't smoke, but I feel like taking a shot, or going and spending money on unimportant things.
What I'd really like to do is go over to Cals, but I don't think she's up yet. I've been up for nearly 8 hours. I mom will be home in about an hour, and I want to be gone before then. I want to go to Cals and eat a special cookie, and enjoy time with her. She has Victoriana tonight though, so I don't think she'd be down. I cancelled on G for dinner, I didn't think I'd enjoy her company, and didn't want something to push me even further down. I just don't have any energy to get up. I know I should tidy my room, or do my make-up, or pack my bag, but I just don't care. I don't want to change. I don't want to cover my acne, I have no energy. I just want somewhere that I can be my nutty self without judgement. I know I gotta get out of here before my Mom comes home.
I think I'll go to Cals, even though she's not expecting me for another 4 hours.
I got distracted. I made an appointment to get my hair cut, I know I really need it. Saw a make-up post, am going to try that next.
What I'd really like to do is go over to Cals, but I don't think she's up yet. I've been up for nearly 8 hours. I mom will be home in about an hour, and I want to be gone before then. I want to go to Cals and eat a special cookie, and enjoy time with her. She has Victoriana tonight though, so I don't think she'd be down. I cancelled on G for dinner, I didn't think I'd enjoy her company, and didn't want something to push me even further down. I just don't have any energy to get up. I know I should tidy my room, or do my make-up, or pack my bag, but I just don't care. I don't want to change. I don't want to cover my acne, I have no energy. I just want somewhere that I can be my nutty self without judgement. I know I gotta get out of here before my Mom comes home.
I think I'll go to Cals, even though she's not expecting me for another 4 hours.
I got distracted. I made an appointment to get my hair cut, I know I really need it. Saw a make-up post, am going to try that next.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Free-Write Day 4
6:27
SoI Obviously didn't keep up with this, but its something I think is useful and am going to try more. Just sitting here next to my lady, starting this.
And I was interrupted for an amazing kiss, but here I go again. Sitting at my desk. I was just editing pictures in Picasa and enjoying it. I've gotten a lot more kinky pictures lately, so yay! Not loving a lot of them, but they are body ones so of course. The reason I keep posting face pics is cause I like my face. It isn't fat, and photographs well.
I took some of my little cousin, and they turned out amazingly! Love love love them. He was also wearing a mini Canucks jersey, which made the pics perfect. I really enjoyed taking his picture. I really like the some of the angels I took the pics at. Some of them are a little washed out in the face, but meh. I'd love to do a family photograph with the 3 of them. Possibly a 1-year birthday gift?
I did Cals back today, and it looked super neat! I used makeup and made a watercolor looking heart on her back.I liked the artistry of it, its something I've never done. Its also a good way to find new colours within my collection. Her back is crazy soft. I may have soft legs, but her back beats my legs :P I wish I could be spooning up to her right now.
So, in the morning Cal is very cuddly and sleepy, where I want to get up and get a start on my day. She likes to have cuddles, and I feel terrible for not loving them as much as I should. I get anxious when I stay in bed.
I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have plans I get anxious. I need to know what I'm doing. I think thats why the last couple days have been difficult, along with PMSing -.-
I wrote a list of concerns in my life last night that I'd like to deal with. Cal was really helpful in that she actually wrote the list, I just told her my concerns. I need to expand upon some of them. I really like the way she worded them, I know I'm not very good at that. I feel like if I were to go to a counselor I need her along, cause she can better describe how I'm feeling, and can come to better conclusions than I.
Also, I think that some of our friends are having a party tonight, without us. I understand why, they have a lot of friends and need to change it up, but I'm still a little miffed. I purposely made sure I didn't make plans tonight, and am now left with nothing to do. I'm uneasy.
Recently I have not been getting enough sleep. We've been staying up until 4 or 5, but I can't manage to sleep past 10. Then Cal gets lots of sleep, and doesn't need to go to bed again till 4 or 5. I on the other hand, ... I dunno. Its something I'd like to adjust. I try to set a time, like I'd like to be asleep by 2, but Cal doesn't like ... "deadlines". I find it helpful, cause then I see its midnight, and I know I'd like to have sex tonight, but to be asleep by 2 we should probably head to bed now. Sometimes we head to bed at 2, but then have sex. I LOVE SEX, but I need sleep too. Its a tough balance.
I've been pondering the idea of going back to a counselor/ psychiatrist. Things aren't repairing themselves although I'm not at school. I know though, that there are things I could possibly fix to make me feel better:
-More sleep
-Consistent sleeping schedule
-Eating consistently through the day
-Eating better
-Exercising more
-GETTING A JOB
I feel like until I do all but the job part, I shouldn't go to a counselor because they'll just tell me to do that and come back. Its my responsibility to take care of myself, and I am not doing it very well. I feel like my life is falling apart. Everything is falling between my fingers, and I have no control over it.
SoI Obviously didn't keep up with this, but its something I think is useful and am going to try more. Just sitting here next to my lady, starting this.
And I was interrupted for an amazing kiss, but here I go again. Sitting at my desk. I was just editing pictures in Picasa and enjoying it. I've gotten a lot more kinky pictures lately, so yay! Not loving a lot of them, but they are body ones so of course. The reason I keep posting face pics is cause I like my face. It isn't fat, and photographs well.
I took some of my little cousin, and they turned out amazingly! Love love love them. He was also wearing a mini Canucks jersey, which made the pics perfect. I really enjoyed taking his picture. I really like the some of the angels I took the pics at. Some of them are a little washed out in the face, but meh. I'd love to do a family photograph with the 3 of them. Possibly a 1-year birthday gift?
I did Cals back today, and it looked super neat! I used makeup and made a watercolor looking heart on her back.I liked the artistry of it, its something I've never done. Its also a good way to find new colours within my collection. Her back is crazy soft. I may have soft legs, but her back beats my legs :P I wish I could be spooning up to her right now.
So, in the morning Cal is very cuddly and sleepy, where I want to get up and get a start on my day. She likes to have cuddles, and I feel terrible for not loving them as much as I should. I get anxious when I stay in bed.
I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have plans I get anxious. I need to know what I'm doing. I think thats why the last couple days have been difficult, along with PMSing -.-
I wrote a list of concerns in my life last night that I'd like to deal with. Cal was really helpful in that she actually wrote the list, I just told her my concerns. I need to expand upon some of them. I really like the way she worded them, I know I'm not very good at that. I feel like if I were to go to a counselor I need her along, cause she can better describe how I'm feeling, and can come to better conclusions than I.
Also, I think that some of our friends are having a party tonight, without us. I understand why, they have a lot of friends and need to change it up, but I'm still a little miffed. I purposely made sure I didn't make plans tonight, and am now left with nothing to do. I'm uneasy.
Recently I have not been getting enough sleep. We've been staying up until 4 or 5, but I can't manage to sleep past 10. Then Cal gets lots of sleep, and doesn't need to go to bed again till 4 or 5. I on the other hand, ... I dunno. Its something I'd like to adjust. I try to set a time, like I'd like to be asleep by 2, but Cal doesn't like ... "deadlines". I find it helpful, cause then I see its midnight, and I know I'd like to have sex tonight, but to be asleep by 2 we should probably head to bed now. Sometimes we head to bed at 2, but then have sex. I LOVE SEX, but I need sleep too. Its a tough balance.
I've been pondering the idea of going back to a counselor/ psychiatrist. Things aren't repairing themselves although I'm not at school. I know though, that there are things I could possibly fix to make me feel better:
-More sleep
-Consistent sleeping schedule
-Eating consistently through the day
-Eating better
-Exercising more
-GETTING A JOB
I feel like until I do all but the job part, I shouldn't go to a counselor because they'll just tell me to do that and come back. Its my responsibility to take care of myself, and I am not doing it very well. I feel like my life is falling apart. Everything is falling between my fingers, and I have no control over it.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Free-Write, #3
6:24
I just had a mini panic attack. I didn't sleep very well last night. I turned my light out at 1:30, but fell asleep after 5. I woke up at 10, so I only got 5 hours of sleep. I was alright this morning, but my mom made me grumpy. I got to visit with my cousin this afternoon, and he is super cute. I can finally understand why people love children. Hes got 2 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth, and gives me the cutest grin. I spend a 1/2 hour alone with him while his mom was out, although I feel like it was cheating cause he was sleeping. We sat on the sundeck as it was surprisingly warm out today. He just watched life. He is sooooo cute. I know, I never thought I'd be one of those people, but he really is. I LOVE when I make him laugh. I'm getting a lot more comfortable with his mother as well.
But I headed over to Cals. Even now, I've only had a banana and a grilled cheese in the 8.5 hours I've been awake. I know that could also be the cause of my grumpyness. I know its no one elses responsability to feed me, but combined with lack of sleep its a lethal combination. We went grocery shopping, so that was meh. Before shopping she got really frusterated at little things, which stresses me out. I know to not make a big deal of it, and to just sit through it. We came home, and I carried 3 massive bags of groceries in, along with my purse. I then asked Cal if she needed help unloading the groceries, and she said no, so I sat on the sofa. With lack of food and sleep, I just lay here sleepily. The leaders debate was on, so she sat in another chair and watched it. Out plan was to watch it, but thats not my deal. The couch is massive, I don't know why she didn't lay here with my, or sat here or something. Then she wanted to go to the other room where peeps were, even though she lives with them. I know they were talking aboiut some home-town gossip, but I feel like I shower her with attention, and would like some in return.
I know I have a problem wiht being very obcessive. Its what drove my last major relationship apart. I can see it happening again, and it worries me greatly. She says that it isn't a big deal, but I don't know if she doesn't realise it, or that it isn't a big deal. I just want someone who is excited when I come over, and thanks me for a ride, and just makes a big deal of me. But then, I do understand that life isn't all about yourself, and that you have to make some comprimises.
I've come to a road block. I'm tired, and I feel like I've ruined our date night. Its only 6:30. She asked if I wanted to nap, but I felt like I couldn't. Also, napping makes me sleep less well. And, if I napped I know we'd be up past 2:00. I'm really trying to aim for that. I don't know what we're doing tonight. She doesn't seem like she's in a romantic mood, so I dunno. I guess we'll make food now. I poured myself and energy drink, but have yet to drink it. I need to be not laying down :P
Cal is laying beside me right no, but I don't know what she wants to do. I have a feeling she's like to visit her sister, or watch TV, or do anything but interact with me. Comedy stuff between us is difficult because we mostly have a very different sence of humour. She likes South Park and other cartoons, and I don't.
Last night we had an interesting talk. It wasn't all bad, but more just interesting. I'm glad I'm writing, because it makes me more awake. I actually am loving this writing thing, it allows me to express myself and reflect without having to bother anyone. I don't know if I should edit this before I post it. [I did, but mostly just for spelling]. I often forget all Ive written. I really do just write exactly what I'm thinking. Its nice cause after a while my words just flow. I stop worrying about what i'm writing, and I can just be my true self. I also feel like I've had caffiene, I get this fast driven pace going.
4 more minutes.
I want to listen to Wicked. I'm LOVING THAT SONG POPULAR. Chenowith (sp?) is adorable! I'm getting excited to see it in June. I know its a long ways away, but it gives me something to look forward too. I put my hair in 2 little buns this mornign after I showered, and I get cute semi-curly hair. I really want to cut my hair, but I'm afraid I'll regret it. I know thats not a good way to live ones life though, and hair does grow back. I know I just dislike long hair in the summer. I like the swing of short hair, and the way it looks cute if you do absolutely nothing with it. I like the way my fingers sound when they tap across the keys. I can't imagine doing essays. I wonder how many words I write. I was very happy when Cal complimented my typing speed. I know the grammar isn't the best, but I'm going to go back after the 20 minutes. I find if I correct myself while I'm typing, I loose my speed and my thought process.
And hey, its 20 minutes. Hopefully our night will round up well. There are always bumps in the road.
I just had a mini panic attack. I didn't sleep very well last night. I turned my light out at 1:30, but fell asleep after 5. I woke up at 10, so I only got 5 hours of sleep. I was alright this morning, but my mom made me grumpy. I got to visit with my cousin this afternoon, and he is super cute. I can finally understand why people love children. Hes got 2 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth, and gives me the cutest grin. I spend a 1/2 hour alone with him while his mom was out, although I feel like it was cheating cause he was sleeping. We sat on the sundeck as it was surprisingly warm out today. He just watched life. He is sooooo cute. I know, I never thought I'd be one of those people, but he really is. I LOVE when I make him laugh. I'm getting a lot more comfortable with his mother as well.
But I headed over to Cals. Even now, I've only had a banana and a grilled cheese in the 8.5 hours I've been awake. I know that could also be the cause of my grumpyness. I know its no one elses responsability to feed me, but combined with lack of sleep its a lethal combination. We went grocery shopping, so that was meh. Before shopping she got really frusterated at little things, which stresses me out. I know to not make a big deal of it, and to just sit through it. We came home, and I carried 3 massive bags of groceries in, along with my purse. I then asked Cal if she needed help unloading the groceries, and she said no, so I sat on the sofa. With lack of food and sleep, I just lay here sleepily. The leaders debate was on, so she sat in another chair and watched it. Out plan was to watch it, but thats not my deal. The couch is massive, I don't know why she didn't lay here with my, or sat here or something. Then she wanted to go to the other room where peeps were, even though she lives with them. I know they were talking aboiut some home-town gossip, but I feel like I shower her with attention, and would like some in return.
I know I have a problem wiht being very obcessive. Its what drove my last major relationship apart. I can see it happening again, and it worries me greatly. She says that it isn't a big deal, but I don't know if she doesn't realise it, or that it isn't a big deal. I just want someone who is excited when I come over, and thanks me for a ride, and just makes a big deal of me. But then, I do understand that life isn't all about yourself, and that you have to make some comprimises.
I've come to a road block. I'm tired, and I feel like I've ruined our date night. Its only 6:30. She asked if I wanted to nap, but I felt like I couldn't. Also, napping makes me sleep less well. And, if I napped I know we'd be up past 2:00. I'm really trying to aim for that. I don't know what we're doing tonight. She doesn't seem like she's in a romantic mood, so I dunno. I guess we'll make food now. I poured myself and energy drink, but have yet to drink it. I need to be not laying down :P
Cal is laying beside me right no, but I don't know what she wants to do. I have a feeling she's like to visit her sister, or watch TV, or do anything but interact with me. Comedy stuff between us is difficult because we mostly have a very different sence of humour. She likes South Park and other cartoons, and I don't.
Last night we had an interesting talk. It wasn't all bad, but more just interesting. I'm glad I'm writing, because it makes me more awake. I actually am loving this writing thing, it allows me to express myself and reflect without having to bother anyone. I don't know if I should edit this before I post it. [I did, but mostly just for spelling]. I often forget all Ive written. I really do just write exactly what I'm thinking. Its nice cause after a while my words just flow. I stop worrying about what i'm writing, and I can just be my true self. I also feel like I've had caffiene, I get this fast driven pace going.
4 more minutes.
I want to listen to Wicked. I'm LOVING THAT SONG POPULAR. Chenowith (sp?) is adorable! I'm getting excited to see it in June. I know its a long ways away, but it gives me something to look forward too. I put my hair in 2 little buns this mornign after I showered, and I get cute semi-curly hair. I really want to cut my hair, but I'm afraid I'll regret it. I know thats not a good way to live ones life though, and hair does grow back. I know I just dislike long hair in the summer. I like the swing of short hair, and the way it looks cute if you do absolutely nothing with it. I like the way my fingers sound when they tap across the keys. I can't imagine doing essays. I wonder how many words I write. I was very happy when Cal complimented my typing speed. I know the grammar isn't the best, but I'm going to go back after the 20 minutes. I find if I correct myself while I'm typing, I loose my speed and my thought process.
And hey, its 20 minutes. Hopefully our night will round up well. There are always bumps in the road.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Free-Write Day 2
10:32
I had quite a wonderful day. I just got home from visiting with a great friend G, and another good friend C. I almost consider C an older brother. I was thinking about it on the way home, and I feel like I could tell him anything, and get great advice, or just a hug and some comfort. Even though we haven't been close for a super long time, I feel like we're becoming long-time friends.
We watched Scrubs, and I'd never seen the show but liked it! Delish pasta was made, with an okay salad and garlic bread! Yum yum yum. Had an interesting conversation with G. Lots of drama, but I found it verrrrry interesting. I'm definitely learning from her mistakes.
I'm finding it hard to push myself through this today. I just want to sit and do my nails and watch weeds. I get to see my lovely lady tomorrow, so I want to make sure they are in top condition. Not sure of the colour that they shall be yet. I might just remove my current polish and cut them tonight. Paint them in the morning, along with showering and such.
I had a fantastic ride today! I rode to school and back, 40 minutes each way. Along with my ride yesterday, my pubic bone (?) is quite sore, but hopefully Cal will be sympathetic. I really do love to ride my bike. I feel so powerful, its amazing what the body can do. I flew by a bunch of cars stuck in traffic, which felt great. There were a few evil hills, but I beat them! I rode the entire way, but only walked up half my driveway, instead of the whole way. Wait till you see it before you judge :P
I had an appointment at school about career/ job searching. It was kinda helpful, but I know I have to put a lot of work into it. He recommended doing an "informational meeting" where you call the company up and ask to meet with someone to learn more about the company and the industry. He gave me a couple companies to contact, so that might be my next step. I feel like I do have an advantage being in electronics. I'm young, and not jaded with bad work habits. I have 2 great references behind me. I am a very good people person, something that the average electronics person lacks. I'm a relatively good technologist too. I just don't want to settle for something, not like it, and quit. I really liked the job I had last year, but I don't want to go to them before I know I want to be there long term.
I kinda wish I could get a random job for May-June, then have July-August off to party and exercise and visit and have fun. A couple people from school got jobs at lush, and I'm jealous! In a silly way. I always dreamed of working there, but I think I'd get bored, and I don't like to push myself on people and they tend to do that. I'd like to try being the manager. I've never done anything like that though. I think I might try and work in some experience for that into volunteer work. I feel like thats a good way to try something out casually, and it looks great on a resume.
Apparently the local library was looking for people to teach basic computer skills. I thought about doing that, but I'm not the most patient person in the world. Again, it would look great on a resume, and I can see it feeling great to help people learn important skills.
I hope I sleep well tonight. Lately I've been sleeping like crap when I'm at home, but I think I go to bed, but then stay awake talking to people for an hour, and get very warm, and then I'm unable to sleep. Also, I find having awesome and interesting discussions makes it tough to sleep. So, just weeds and nails for me.
Tomorrow I get to see my baby cousin, which is super exciting. I've never been a baby person, but I can see the draw of having one after spending time with him. He is really freakin' cute. And then DATE NIGHT! And, we're going to watch the federal debate, how studious of us :P I'm pretty excited to have her attention all to myself for one evening, it will be magical!
Now to wrap up. I should probably post tomorrow, but I'm not sure what I'll talk about. I will contemplate that. I suppose this [the blog] is for Cal originally, but I think it would be a useful tool for me to look back on, and track my feelings. So far I haven't had any really bad upset moments. I think that might be difficult to blog about, and to look back upon in shame the next day. But, like goes on, and so will my blogging.
I had quite a wonderful day. I just got home from visiting with a great friend G, and another good friend C. I almost consider C an older brother. I was thinking about it on the way home, and I feel like I could tell him anything, and get great advice, or just a hug and some comfort. Even though we haven't been close for a super long time, I feel like we're becoming long-time friends.
We watched Scrubs, and I'd never seen the show but liked it! Delish pasta was made, with an okay salad and garlic bread! Yum yum yum. Had an interesting conversation with G. Lots of drama, but I found it verrrrry interesting. I'm definitely learning from her mistakes.
I'm finding it hard to push myself through this today. I just want to sit and do my nails and watch weeds. I get to see my lovely lady tomorrow, so I want to make sure they are in top condition. Not sure of the colour that they shall be yet. I might just remove my current polish and cut them tonight. Paint them in the morning, along with showering and such.
I had a fantastic ride today! I rode to school and back, 40 minutes each way. Along with my ride yesterday, my pubic bone (?) is quite sore, but hopefully Cal will be sympathetic. I really do love to ride my bike. I feel so powerful, its amazing what the body can do. I flew by a bunch of cars stuck in traffic, which felt great. There were a few evil hills, but I beat them! I rode the entire way, but only walked up half my driveway, instead of the whole way. Wait till you see it before you judge :P
I had an appointment at school about career/ job searching. It was kinda helpful, but I know I have to put a lot of work into it. He recommended doing an "informational meeting" where you call the company up and ask to meet with someone to learn more about the company and the industry. He gave me a couple companies to contact, so that might be my next step. I feel like I do have an advantage being in electronics. I'm young, and not jaded with bad work habits. I have 2 great references behind me. I am a very good people person, something that the average electronics person lacks. I'm a relatively good technologist too. I just don't want to settle for something, not like it, and quit. I really liked the job I had last year, but I don't want to go to them before I know I want to be there long term.
I kinda wish I could get a random job for May-June, then have July-August off to party and exercise and visit and have fun. A couple people from school got jobs at lush, and I'm jealous! In a silly way. I always dreamed of working there, but I think I'd get bored, and I don't like to push myself on people and they tend to do that. I'd like to try being the manager. I've never done anything like that though. I think I might try and work in some experience for that into volunteer work. I feel like thats a good way to try something out casually, and it looks great on a resume.
Apparently the local library was looking for people to teach basic computer skills. I thought about doing that, but I'm not the most patient person in the world. Again, it would look great on a resume, and I can see it feeling great to help people learn important skills.
I hope I sleep well tonight. Lately I've been sleeping like crap when I'm at home, but I think I go to bed, but then stay awake talking to people for an hour, and get very warm, and then I'm unable to sleep. Also, I find having awesome and interesting discussions makes it tough to sleep. So, just weeds and nails for me.
Tomorrow I get to see my baby cousin, which is super exciting. I've never been a baby person, but I can see the draw of having one after spending time with him. He is really freakin' cute. And then DATE NIGHT! And, we're going to watch the federal debate, how studious of us :P I'm pretty excited to have her attention all to myself for one evening, it will be magical!
Now to wrap up. I should probably post tomorrow, but I'm not sure what I'll talk about. I will contemplate that. I suppose this [the blog] is for Cal originally, but I think it would be a useful tool for me to look back on, and track my feelings. So far I haven't had any really bad upset moments. I think that might be difficult to blog about, and to look back upon in shame the next day. But, like goes on, and so will my blogging.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)