If you only knew what I did, who I am when I'm not with you. You'd understand why I hate myself. I can't tell you, anyone. It's my burden to carry. I just know how you look at me, and how it'd change. I can't have that. I burden you enough already.

So I've been mia. Been using tumblr. I don't know anymore.

Listening to Adele's Someone Like You. Very beautiful, and relatable lyrics. So this morning I had a crazy weird incident, likely because of my new meds. I woke up at 7 with cramps. I scanned the Internet until 8:30, when I realized I need to get up and take Tylenol. I got up and was dizzy and lightheaded, but no worse than normal. My cramps were high school bad. I went downstairs and started making Britney food. I had to pause resting my torso on the counter. The pain and nausea made it difficult to go on. I was almost done her food, I just had to mix it up. My hands, my whole body was shaking. I gave Britney her food, and with her delight I went to the couch and turned on the tv. I retched, but nothing came up. The worst was laying facing the couch back, alone and in pain. I just wanted my mom. My skin felt icy cold, and I felt like I was loosing conciousness. It felt like I just wanted to loose myself the sleep, the relief. I realized that that wasn't good, so I made myself stay awake and listen to the tv. Staying still horizontally seemed to ease the pain, plus the Tylenol was kicking in.

I spent the next couple hours with britney on the couch watching slice channel. I watched gay, then lesbian, episodes of Wedding SOS. The lesbian wedding was really beautiful, and to see their love. It really helped me envision myself in that situation.

Oh jeez, now You and I is on. I really love this song, and find it really touching. Anyways, I went to Shoppers pharmacy, and he said to monitor it. I don't have to work tomorrow morning, so I don't have to worry about missing work.

Bonus Day Off

So. My day started well! I went to work, and worked for a full 7.5 hours. I felt proud of myself, I'm not able to do many of those lately. I came home and chilled, ate, played spyro. Went to true blood. Cal left the tv room when I entered, which worried me. True blood itself was good. I went to talk to her afterward, but she was distant and it was awkward. I sad goodnight and I left. She was playing the guitar and singing, and it was heartbreakingly beautiful. There's so much incredible inside of her that I wasn't inspiring.

Later Greg came over and we watched tv and caught up and made nachos. I really appreciated having someone here to converse with. I think my issues with Cal are that I'm so lonely right now. No one really asks about my day, or remembers happenings in my life.

My boss gave me tomorrow off, so I'm gonna catch up with someone else who is moving away this month. I have 4 friends leaving, 4 friends who I wish I'd cared more about earlier. I'm starting to realize that. I'm happy I have tomorrow off, but that doesn't bode well for my review in the fall ...

My heart is curious, it wants to grow
To search for another soul to love
For that connection, that bond.
Of trust, passion, and love.

The heart shrinks, steps back in time.
A time when things were different, happy.
My wistful gaze turns to tears and sorrow,
What I love, no longer mine.

Sweet Tree Smells

11:24 pm, my front porch, smoking [5]

I love it out here. I love to see the trees, and the stars in the night sky. To hear the familiar noises of the highway and the wind through the leaves. Tonight, to hear the rain drip through the trees.

I sit and observe the world, allowing myself to be a part of it silently. To focus on the outside life, and not just over concerned with myself. It's my time. Other tasks pause, I'm done outside when I feel like it.

It's been an interesting week. I still haven't told my parents about the breakup. I think I might leave them a voicemail. I didn't go to work today, but I did let Ian kno waveform I was supposed to start work. I went to the doctor, and appreciate his concern.

The dog is inside howling right now. She was outside, but wanted back in. I don't understand, but it stresses me out a lot. I go to pet her and she jumps back. There is no pleasing her.

I must go inside now ...

Sad Driving

I just cried all the way home from Cals. I cried while I was there, too. I hurt so much, world. I'd currently blowing my nose on my mascara covered cuff. Just seeing everyone belong together so well, and for me to be sitting in silence, not knowing what they are talking about. To see Cal fit in, to see her and her sister. I've yet to cry to anyone about this. Not Curt, not Gabriella. My parents don't even know that Cal and I broke up. I was waiting till I got less emotional, but I don't know if thats going to happen soon.

I got to have her arm around me, to smell her, but its a farce. I still can't have her. She still doesn't want me. Its tough to see her so happy around everyone else. I think its makes me the most sad is that she'll probably be happier without me. That she'll want to see Glee movie with other people, just ...

I have to go to work tomorrow, too. Jess and I need to finish the device, it has to ship tomorrow. Fuck. I gotta get ready for bed.

I've been thinking about crashing, how easy it is. On the highway, going 100. What the impact would feel like. Driving through Mount Doug with the twisty road, going a little too fast and loosing control. [I am not going to do this.] The small line that seperates life and death.

I don't even know if anyone reads these, but I do find them theraputic.

Monday Morning

I think I set a new record! 25 minutes at work until tears were rolling down my face. WTF do I say. Period.

I don't know what it is about work. I guess its the lack of distractions, it makes me think about things.

Just the fact she doesn't want me. That other people are more important, other activities. How we can never seem to have a conversation. The "I don't knows", or refllecting questions back to myself. Then I wanted to talk to Christa but she wasn't online. She had just changed her display pic to her and Riley slow dancing and kissing, and I cursed some more.

Everyone is rushing around at work today, its making me stressed. There is this project that we need to finish today and ship tomorrow, and I still have to make modifications when the parts come in later today.

And crying again. Eugh. I need kleenex at my desk.

I had a pretty good weekend though. Fun pictures with Gabriella on Friday night. It was really nice to catch up with her. Saturday was a kinky party, met new poeple and tried new things. It was nice to have the freedom then. Sunday met with Scott for a walk but I had smoked so I was kind of out of it and regret it.

Tonight is True Blood, we'll see how that goes. Maybe I'll make it the whole day through work, and maybe I won't.

The Break Up

So. We're no longer a we. What I've thought about came true, but is so much worse than I expected. I just miss the essense, the energy of Cal. Her personality, her spirit. The heating pad is still sitting on her side of the bed. I tried so hard. I just can't deal. She's such a big part of my life. I just wish it would've worked out. Other girls may be hot, but they aren't Cal. How can I love another girl. I have no idea how to date a girl? How to approach one.

I managed to get through work, although I only worked 11:30-5:30. This morning was the worst. I woke up in bed, cold and alone, and it hit me. All those delicious kisses and cuddles are gone. I just want to run my fingers over her jawbone, give her a kiss on the forehead. I went pretty crazy. I've only had it happen a couple times, just that absolute worst feeling that you know its over, but all you want is them. I got an e-mail from "cal" via OKcupid this last night [an OKcupid sent one], and saw that she had already changed her profile to single and looking. That hurt quite a bit. The thought of her seeing someone else makes me feel physically sick. I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend to keep my time. My life sucked before, now theres lots of free time to emphasize the loneliness. And I'm housesitting when breaking up. Like in 2006, and in 2010. Its a fucking curse. "Oh wow, a whole house to myself to have lots of loud raucus sex. Oh wait, NOT! A big empty house to make you feel extra lonely." Hey, at least theres swimming with Gab and Curt tonight? My big plan is just to make lots of plans. I'm not exactly happy around other people, but at least its a good distraction.

I really do think its for the best, I just don't know how to adjust without her.